I've been debating posting a new blog for a while now. The debate mostly stems from the fact I have SO many things I want to say, but I'm not sure how to say them. There are also somethings I want to say but I don't want other people to know. I'm sure just writing it out somewhere else might help, but I don't think I'd get the same feeling from it.

Writing it our in a journal, doesn't make me feel any better about things. It just makes me remember how bad I was feeling as I scribbled the words on the pages. When I type it out and post it in a blog, I feel a bit more relief. Like I've put it out there, away from me, I can read it if I want too, but it's not as big of a problem anymore.

I don't know if this makes any sense but I'm going to keep going.

I'm just so frustrated by so many things lately. Part of it is from all the station work. I know It where I work/ go to school, but I don't understand why so many things are now my responsibility.

This week K8 was sick, and don't get me wrong its in no way her fault I love K8 and she works too hard at the station anyway. As I was saying, she was sick so I ended up doing most of the work for news, I'm not saying I want a cookie or anything, K8 has done a thousand times more work in that feild than I have.

On top of that no one in my department did their jobs, K8 being the only one with a good reason. I don't know why people find it so hard to keep one room clean. The newsroom is probably the hardest job, and if it's done regularly it's like nothing. The thing that bothers me about it is that I ended up having to do all of it myself Friday afternoon.

I'm not trying to complain, I know I'm not the only one in the station that works hard, but this weeks just feels like it was a lot. Every time I turned around while I was doing something someone else would ask me to do something, or just be kind of asshole-ish.

I know next year is going to be worse. Since all the people that do any kind of work will be gone, off to college. I'll likely be the only one who can edit news, I'll be the only one that can record it most likely too. I'll be the only one who cleans the fucking place, and I'll probably get less shows than I did this semester and I only have three.

Plus Chatzel is on my back constantly over asking someone out when I've already told him I'm not going too. I'm slightly too afraid, and I just don't think it's a good idea. Plus I think I might be getting over them.

I've also been neglecting my friends. I haven't been spending much time with them since I've been busy at the station. I've also been quite bitchy towards them when they're around since I'm just too tired and fed up to remind myself that they aren't the reason I'm unhappy.

To all of my friends, even the ones I don't talk to, and the ones that don't read this, I'm sorry.

On the plus side, I'm going to Ottawa on Monday with Katie, hopefully the retail therapy and some time with another friend I've been neglecting will do me some good.

On a completely unrelated note. I wish I could be like four again. Where I could just live in my fairly-tale imaginary world where there were no problems and nothing could hurt me. I miss the days where delusions were easy to get lost in. Now I'm stuck growing up and facing all the problems I put off until I was older. I now have to decide will next year be my last in high school? If so where the fuck am I going to get the money for my post secondary education? Will I go for the two year Radio program at loyalist, or the three year jounalism one. Or do I go to a different school entirely?

Right now I'm leaning towards the last one. If I go to a new school in a new place no one will know me, I won't have friends to distract me from my studying, which I very well won't be able to do any way since I won't have the money.

Oh well, I've been writing this on and off for like two hours so I'm going to post this soon, but I'm going to leave this with one final question I've been asking myself all week.

Why do I want the song 'brick by boring brick' by Paramore to be written about me?

If you don't know it google it, it's wonderful.