I hate blogging when I'm angry. I' just type furiously, partially unaware of what's being said, and my grammar and spelling just suffers.
I'm really pissed off right now, and I'm sure that there's only one person that reads this and it's the one that contributing to my anger.
Something so minor has now blown out of proportion in way that is now personal attacks on character and has ended up with me some how saying that I think one of our friends (he's a better friend to her than me) is comparable to the assholes I've dated. Which is NOT the point I was making at all, it was more meant as I've made really stupid decisions and had a bad relationship history, but she has like no relationship history but she's made better choices.
Oh well, I know I've made a few shitty decisions, but I guess I don't regret most of them since they've shaped me in ways no other experiences could have. First I've learned not to rush things, or date people out of pity, and then I learned fear isn't a reason to date anyone.
Third I learned that falling in love is a blessing and a curse. It's the biggest high but leaves you with the deepest darkest lows. With that one I also learned that I shouldn't let guys treat me like shit because then you just feel like shit. But it think the love thing was better than the rest. I was SO happy for like six months at a time that I needed it. And I still can barely keep from smiling around him sometimes.
And the last one like fuck it was four am, I was fucking tired, I was falling asleep and eventually if you ask someone the same question in different ways when they're at the drunk stage of tired the answer could change... I'm not super unhappy about that one but I didn't know him and even though I called everything off before I even hung out with him I learned summer school is not the place to meet people unless you can get real opinions on the kid from people who aren't his friend... also jealousy get you nowhere.
Okay maybe a few of those lessons I could have learned from other things, like the jealousy one, but I definitely don't think it would have had the same effect on me.
I've learned all this from a few mistakes that never hurt anyone, well not me anyways, okay it number three did hurt, it was torture for part of it but hurting myself probably only makes that stick out more.
Either way I don't want to fight anymore, but I know how the cycles like this go, because the log that fuels the fire never goes away.
I should probably say goodbye to this friend now. I can't say I didn't know this would end, I always figured if I lost a friend it'd be one of the ones I made in high school particularly ninth grade, since after then I've just been fucked up.
Like everyone else she'll be better off without me.
I wonder how long it'll be until I lose Rowan and ALL my real friends become more like acquaintances and I'll be stuck in this town alone, at least I've only got a year or two left. And I guess I'll have to get used to not really knowing people before I go to college, because chances are I won't know anyone or I'll only know one to three people.
Your world opens up and swallows me.
I'm empty, just another silent symphony.
Those lies in between the strings and the timpani divide... The violence playing my song
The orchestra of flesh and bone.
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