I'll always know I'm not enough to even make you think

I had a very fun time at Katie's house this weekend in celebration of her birthday. We probably shouldn't have watched so many scary movies with Rowan in the room. We watched The Invisible, The Haunting Of Molly Hartley and the first three installments in the Saw series.

We also made cupcakes and played some rockband. We've learn we will never be a Pixies cover band, especially with Katie on drums.

I'm still nearly heart-broken over the realization of the number of friends I've lost since high-school even in comparison to the great ones I've made.

And I'm still realizing that even if I do get another date, it's going to last long. I'm currently so much of a commitment-o-phobe I can't even commit to plans more than two weeks away. I'd really like that to change because quite honestly I'm so tired of seeing people all coupley and knowing I'm not apart of something like that, and if I do become apart of a couple it won't last long.

I always find away to ruin it. With clingy guys I push them away, well with any guy I pretty much end up pushing them away but with the clingy ones it's worse, because the more they try the harder I push to get them away from me. By the time I realized what I'm doing it's too late to apologize because they're asking if I want to breakup.

I'm of course too guilt-ridden to say that I don't so I end up breaking up with them and hating them within days, in some cases I hated them before we even reached the split.

The current frustration is that I'm not sure, but I think that I like someone. of course with me I'm always second guessing myself.

Plus I'm pissed off because of two kids telling me how to live my life. One insists that I should sleep with my ex, and another one tells me I should date one of the other radio kids... I think they should get their own lives and live them instead of trying to control me.

On another note, I'm pretty sure someone's going to get punched next week. It won't be me.

I'm a terrible girlfriend and a bitch.

I'm home. I love being here, with all the people, well most of them. The music that constantly fills the air and the support from the people who actually seem to care about me. No I'm not talking about the place where I live, I hate it there a lot of the time. I'm of course talking about my lovely little station 91.9 The Cave.

I hate how I can't relax. I lay in bed for hours at night trying to unwind and sleep. Let the tension in my shoulders ease, but I can't. When I'm out of the station I'm so freaking stressed. When I'm there I forced to fix everyone else's problems and clean up after them like they're fucking two years old. I can't stand it. I'm not there to clean up and do custodial work, I'm there just like them to run a radio station and learn as much about that as I possibly can about that.

I clean up CD's every time I turn around, throw out the bags of half-eaten muffins and clean the cup and can of half finished beverages that are left laying around the station. It's not my job so quit making me do it.

Thank goodness for a few people around the station. I'm quite fond of Dillybar, he's one of the few people I can feel like I can actually talk to without 'a' being judged or 'b' having to worry about the things I said getting around.

It's not like I like him like him, mostly because I know I'm a terrible girlfriend, and partially because he's one of the few people there that keep me sane, and I've never had a problem with him leaving shit around.

Then there's Keight. She's so awesome, she works even harder then I do. She's freaking badass.


But now I'm stuck on the girlfriend topic, since Dilly and I were talking earlier, mostly about our past and stuff, and I think he's such a sweetheart but I'd feel so bad if I ever wanted to go out with him and vice versa.

I'm sure he'd want someone who was into the relationship situation, but with a non-clingy girl that wouldn't cheat on him. I mean I'm not a cheater, and I'm not clingy but I don't make for a good relationship at least in my opinion.

I mean, my longest relationship was like two months, and I was miserable more than half the time since he was too clingy, I've made it quite clear for a good six years now, on weekends and days I don't have school, I'm rarely up before noon. So he calls me at nine AM because he's bored. NO, I'm not the cure for your boredom.

I have all these warped opinions on things, like guys shouldn't spend their money on me, they have better things to spend (or waste) it one than me. At least then I don't feel like I used them when I inevitably break up with them because I'm too paranoid to function.

I think that I should legally not be allowed to like people, or date, or fall in love, and of course people not being able to do the same to me. It's not fair to other the other people that would get involved.

On an almost oxymoronic side note, I need a life bad, even my teacher has more of one than me, dude even got a date last week, I need to get out more...

But of course I'm still bitter and cynical over decisions I've made, or course listening to semi-angry 'I hate you' music.

Stab my back,
It’s better when I bleed for you.
Walk on me,
There never was enough to do.

And every time he held you close,
Yeah, were you thinking of me?
When I needed you the most,
Well I hope that you’re happy.

ACADIA IS GONE

I hate it so much how people I used to care about, used to be good friends with, shared secrets with either hate me, don't notice me or don't care.

I'm not saying that people hating me and not caring is anything new to me, since it's really not.

I just wish these people would give me enough as to say it to my face. Even if you don't have a reason, as a human being don't I deserve at least that much?

There are SO many people I used to talk to in classes, or would say 'hi' in the halls, but apparently I'm not good enough to them for that kind of personable communication anymore.

I used to talk to so many people, people I used to think actually wanted to talk to me, or cared enough to feign an int rest for the few minutes to took to get me to help them solve their problems.

But I am starting the get answer to a question I've been asking myself since I was probably around ten years old. 'Would anyone really care, or miss me, if I just disappeared?' apparently the amount of people is much lower than I thought. I assumed there would be a few people that would care that clearly don't.

A few people I grew up with, that I've known all of my life (or at least it seems that way), don't seem to care much. One of them is quite nice in the hallway, enough for mild chit chat, but that's just the type of person she is.

I really miss her, we used to be such good friends and now I'm lucky if she says hello to me in the hallway. It really hurts me to see that she's going through such a hard time right now and I had to find out through her blog, she used to actually tell me stuff.

I admit I probably didn't make friendship easy for her in recent years. Most of the time we spoke towards the end of it I was too stressed from every other problem I had to not unload bits on her.

I feel so bad because I'm sure it's my fault we don't talk. The friends we shared said things to her jokingly that I think may have affected her. She got a different group and I still have mine, but I really miss that she's not part of it.

Plus there's this guy I used to be fairly close to, we talked all the time about problems and stuff try and help each other without being too specific, well he doesn't talk to me anymore. His locker is right near the station and I see him every so often, since last year I haven't gotten a hi or a wave, or even some sort of indication he even cares that I exist.

The sad thing is I used to really like him, I never told him, but I'm sure he knew. I'm not sure if he ever liked me but we were still pretty good friends outside of that little detail, people constantly teased us about it, even out grade nine tech teacher thought he had something between us.

I'm not sure whether I wish we had or not, but I wish we still spoke that's for damn sure.

I'm sure there are better to vent my emotions than online in a blog anyone could read, even the people I've mentioned already, but writing it out by hand in a journal would kill a few too many trees for my liking.

There are far too many people I spoke to even last year that I don't talk to now. The only person I was friends with in math class doesn't acknowledge me, everyone but one person from my drama class last year don't talk to me. I lost all the friends I had in my third period french class before that semester, and History I only had Rowan as far as people that would talk to me are concerned.

Ironically I had all afternoon with the girl I mentioned before, and history with the guy.

I think now that I'm in radio it's just made me that much easier to lift out of their memories and their lives.

I'm so tired of all these whiny little emo blog posts, but I'm too stressed out to find another way to cope. The party I went to on Friday was unbelievably tempting. If it weren't for getting my finals done that afternoon, I probably would have ended up being part of a third pair of people drunkenly making out.

At least I'm getting to be able to resist temptations from other ways to cope so if writing lengthy emo blogs helps more than any of the other methods I've been forced into then so be it. I hope any of you who read this realize that for the next while this will likely be me whining and bitching.

But hey I may just make another blog for that all together to keep people from getting annoyed again.

In the house I grew up in
My room in the basement
The hours turning
To years we've spent
Remember Chris in the back yard
Laughing so damn hard
And no one knew why
But the rest is forgotten

Behind me
Sometimes it reminds me
Of when we, we used to
Belong here

Every memory comes on
When I hear that old song
We used to sing
With the words all wrong
I remember the faces
And familiar places
Tonight seemed all wrong
But Acadia is gone

Now we've all moved away and
Somehow became me
But I remember where it began...

Birthdays, equations and a whole new life.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. Not only is it the lovely Katie's birthday, it's Dilly's too. I must hug him and remind him that one day he'll be bald like Mr. Rose.

Tomorrow also come with the first day of the new semester, with that brings the start of my final semester of math class! okay, I'm excited because it's my last one, and I'm happy because I have it with Alison, Carly, Dustin, Chris and like ten other people. But I'm so unenthusiastic with math. I failed last year with a (totally undeserved) measly 35%.

The teacher hated me with a passion, since I wasn't really stupid, I wasn't really smart and I wasn't in her band class. I was just normal old me. At midterms I had a 76% which I was pretty happy with, but less than two weeks my mom got a phone call telling me I was at 39%.

I asked teacher's that's impossible!!! BTW.

But I have the same teacher I had in grade nine, we didn't learn much, which is most likely why I started failing last semester. The teacher mostly told stories of when she worked in a prison, and really bad jokes and puns. It really wasn't fun.

And with the new semester brings new kids to the cave, a few of them I dislike, only one of them I've never met, and there's only one new girl.

Of course new kids means old ones leaving. Dustin, Soda, Sam, Ben, Harrison, Josh, Monty, Val and Ryan/Hunter/H Rock/Young Blue are all leaving the station. Ben says he'll come and visit, Harrison and Josh will still be around, Val insists she will have shows, but most of us aren't on the same page as her, I don't know about Monty and Hunter, but I know Sam will still be trying to come back for the two shows he's part of.

But on a positive note only five more months until summer!!

Seasons of Love...

Okay so last night was the lovely Rowan's final performance with Theater Complete. We went to see her, and it was quite lovely. Then came the after party, since we knew most of the members of TC from semesters previous, we scored an invite, by 'we' I mean Katie and I.

I knew there would be drinking, we all did. Of course within a few moments Simon was D-R-U-N-K drunk! Then came David, Dan, Sophie, Luke and Amanda. Of course there were the night of the party couples that were making out, and unfortunate things happened to David :(. It makes me sad to see the BFFL's get hurt.

Dan was quite fun, by the time he was drunk I was intoxicated by lack of sleep, so I was amused simply by poking him, and he was entertained by me poking him in the side and the numb feeling that the alcohol had created made him think he was just randomly falling over.

I did spend most of the night helping Keavy hand out water and food to the drunk kids every so often, to keep them from regretting the night. I also cleaned up as I walked through the house picking up beer bottles, and Pepsi cans as they were left empty on tables and other flat surfaces and bringing the drunk kids water when they asked, to keep them all hydrated.

The little bit of beer I had making my cheeks warm and the lack of sleep from the nights previous making me act more intoxicated than a group of the other guests, I eventually grew tired, and by the time most people had gone home Katie, Rowan and I were nearly asleep on John's incredibly comfortable couch.

It was 3 AM before we got back to Rowan's house, and about half an hour before we crashed in her room, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets playing on her laptop, we were out in less than twenty minutes.

We woke up randomly through out the morning, once I'm pretty sure to hear her younger brother ask us if we wanted Pizza. By one we were up and getting dressed, awaiting the arrival of my mother, coming to get us.

By two we were eating breakfast and by three we were leaving to go down town from my place. We wandered until we got to shoppers and needed to defrost ourselves, and then to phase two to look for costume parts, and finally to Indigo, for frappicinos and a cupcake from the Starbucks upstairs.

We wandered through the sales and music section before going down to the teen slash manga area and got caught up in Magazines and Japanese comic books.

Next thing we knew it was five thirty, and we had to head back to my place. I quickly bought an interesting book, and a cheap calendar and some candy to finish off the balance on my twenty five dollar gift from Christmas.

We walked to the Metro and grabbed a frozen pizza for dinner and braved the harsh wind and cold walking back to my house.

We ate and then watch random shows on TV until about eight o'clock and then we had to drop Katie off at the AKA to meet up with Alison, Page and Britt.

Now I'm nice and warm curled up and home, and watching RENT on tv.

I'm glad I got my project done, but I feel bad for Mr. Rose, he will be marking our work until wednesday most likely, and the semesters marks were due yesterday...

Perfect pictures shattered like broken dreams

So yesterday I had the misfortune of stumbling upon the blog of an old friend.

I'd always known her life wasn't a perfect as she was able to make it seem, but reading about her life now, seriously brought me to tears. We hadn't really had much in the way of conversation since roughly grade nine, but she was someone that was really important to me growing up. I was the first kid in my class to welcome her on her first day at our old school, even if it was with a death-grip hug, when other kids got mad at her because she was wearing a dress on a gym day.

We played soccer together for, i think two years. I know she was on at least my first team, but I'm pretty sure she was on my third too.

I had always compared myself to her. Her looks, her grades, her musical, acting and writing talent, her seemingly perfect family (that one stopped as we got older). I'm sure from what I've read at this point of reading this she's think I was crazy, but it's the truth. Since I was always being compared to her, I started doing the same.

She's one of the nicest girls I've ever met, and I really wish life was being better to her, she deserves better than the shit some people through, and nobody's mother should call them fat, especially if they're as awesome as she is. Sure she's not one of those 'perfect' model that are like six feet tall and weigh like a hundred pounds or less. But she's still a beautiful girl even with the lack of stereotypical perfection. I mean I lack that look, so do most of my friends, and you know what, most of the time we can at least pretend like we're okay with that.

Plus I think if she looked like a model it would cause a rip in the time space continuum because then she'd be even more gorgeous, insanely talented and a million times better a school that me, which would just be annoying, because I couldn't bear to be compared to PLB if she were truly perfect.

Onto a different topic...

I've never been much for new years resolutions, and this year is no different, but a week or two ago, I resolved that I'm done with him. Most of you reading this probably knows who I mean but I'm done. I'm not going to date him again, not matter what sweet nothings he tries, I can't deal with his bull shit for another two years. I'll still be friends with him, and talk to him and care about him and stuff, but I can't go through another cycle of this with him.

I quite simply wouldn't be able to take it mentally, or emotionally. Plus he's one of the things that influences a certain habit of mine, that I'm not getting into.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Oh dear,

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I've been talking to one of my friends for a few hours now.

We started out with normal chatter, and then it evolved into a long discussion about my love life, or confusing mess of lack-there-of.

And then it turned into a conversation of complelely depession subject matter, and a good part about how my habits are pointless, useless and silly. I understand what she meant, and I know it's the truth but I just can't feel the same way.

I do the things I do because I somehow benefit from them.

Although I feel better having at least one of them know about it, I just wish I could get the other things off of my chest.

I want him to know how I feel and I don't care if he feels the same I just want to get over ALL of it.