I'm a terrible girlfriend and a bitch.

I'm home. I love being here, with all the people, well most of them. The music that constantly fills the air and the support from the people who actually seem to care about me. No I'm not talking about the place where I live, I hate it there a lot of the time. I'm of course talking about my lovely little station 91.9 The Cave.

I hate how I can't relax. I lay in bed for hours at night trying to unwind and sleep. Let the tension in my shoulders ease, but I can't. When I'm out of the station I'm so freaking stressed. When I'm there I forced to fix everyone else's problems and clean up after them like they're fucking two years old. I can't stand it. I'm not there to clean up and do custodial work, I'm there just like them to run a radio station and learn as much about that as I possibly can about that.

I clean up CD's every time I turn around, throw out the bags of half-eaten muffins and clean the cup and can of half finished beverages that are left laying around the station. It's not my job so quit making me do it.

Thank goodness for a few people around the station. I'm quite fond of Dillybar, he's one of the few people I can feel like I can actually talk to without 'a' being judged or 'b' having to worry about the things I said getting around.

It's not like I like him like him, mostly because I know I'm a terrible girlfriend, and partially because he's one of the few people there that keep me sane, and I've never had a problem with him leaving shit around.

Then there's Keight. She's so awesome, she works even harder then I do. She's freaking badass.


But now I'm stuck on the girlfriend topic, since Dilly and I were talking earlier, mostly about our past and stuff, and I think he's such a sweetheart but I'd feel so bad if I ever wanted to go out with him and vice versa.

I'm sure he'd want someone who was into the relationship situation, but with a non-clingy girl that wouldn't cheat on him. I mean I'm not a cheater, and I'm not clingy but I don't make for a good relationship at least in my opinion.

I mean, my longest relationship was like two months, and I was miserable more than half the time since he was too clingy, I've made it quite clear for a good six years now, on weekends and days I don't have school, I'm rarely up before noon. So he calls me at nine AM because he's bored. NO, I'm not the cure for your boredom.

I have all these warped opinions on things, like guys shouldn't spend their money on me, they have better things to spend (or waste) it one than me. At least then I don't feel like I used them when I inevitably break up with them because I'm too paranoid to function.

I think that I should legally not be allowed to like people, or date, or fall in love, and of course people not being able to do the same to me. It's not fair to other the other people that would get involved.

On an almost oxymoronic side note, I need a life bad, even my teacher has more of one than me, dude even got a date last week, I need to get out more...

But of course I'm still bitter and cynical over decisions I've made, or course listening to semi-angry 'I hate you' music.

Stab my back,
It’s better when I bleed for you.
Walk on me,
There never was enough to do.

And every time he held you close,
Yeah, were you thinking of me?
When I needed you the most,
Well I hope that you’re happy.