I Can't Live With or Without You...

Once again I'm falling back to where I always do this time of year, It seems to be him and I are getting closer, we're talking again, I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not but I'm just rolling with it for now.

I learned the other day that he wrote poems about me, and sometime next week I'm actually going to read them, never thought I'd see the day where he'd let me do that. Of course in return he gets to read some of mine too, which I'm not looking forward to but I'm fucking curious.

I've sworn up and down for over a year that I wouldn't date him again, I couldn't. It's just not good for me, but once again I may be breaking another promise to myself. Not like they mean much anyway.

Then there are the two other guys I like, one of them I think I'm getting over and the other on I'm not sure where it stands, but I'm sure nothing will come of either because of my warped views on myself, that only other people see as warped I think they're accurate, and one of them really likes another girl and is still dealing with other bullshit.

I kinda want to just take a break from anything relationship related, I mean the relationship part is far from even being a problem, but the liking people and the constant questioning about who you like is just getting to be a bit more than annoying.

At least I have Hedley to look forward to, FIVE DAYS MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

And with May fast approaching I'll be happier, fucking onset seasonal...

Believe me, It's easy
To scream when you're dreaming
You wonder what's under your bed when you're sleeping.

I love you, I need you.
Like a thousand times before.
Wonder why I hate you.
But I'll scream and ask for more.
I only wanted your attention
At least the hate is some connection
But hey, it's just another Saturday

Believe me, It's easy
To live between the lines.

You're tied up, you're cried up.
You gotta get outta here
But hey it's just another Saturday.
It's only just another Saturday.

I miss you, I'm so sorry.

Today got even better.

I'm not going to lie I didn't really have many intentions of resolving what was going between my friend and I. I'm just so tired of drama and bullshit so once it stopped I was done, like for good. I've lost enough friends to not make it seem like a big deal.

But I can honestly say I didn't expect an apology from her, it just didn't seem to pan out in my head. But I opened my locker today to find a lovely picture of me she drew and a long note.

Honestly, I know I'm saying that a lot, I probably never would have seen it if it weren't for me sharing a locker with Page and her making me look at it.

It made me realize that she's one of the best friends a person could have. She puts so much into her friendships. These are just some of the things she's drawn with me in them, and the things she's drawn for me.

I'm sorry Katie I was being a jerk and we both said hurtful things, and I think a lot of the things that were said were pretty low blows, at least the ones aimed at me felt that way.

We've both had enough bullshit to deal with and the fact that we're making more of it for each other is just mean and shitty.

I wanted to do more for an apology, but I could of think of displaying how much I love your artwork and how much I appreciate the things you've drawn for me. They line my bedroom and keep me from going insane from looking at that evil pink wall.

I love you and I'm sorry.


I had more to upload but the files were too big for EVERY website.

I can't go back and I won't go back to you

So today has been a good day, SO FAR.

We got free donuts for a lot of us having show's planed but some losers didn't, and still got donuts.

Then I had lunch, I normally don't eat lunch so the bagel was extra yummy.

AND!!!

My friend Justin gave me two tickets to the Hedley show a week from today, he's my new favorite person. FUCK YES! I wanted the tickets but I didn't have the money. so yeah I'm fucking happy.

I may be meeting Rowan's fun cousin Nick on Sunday, he likes good music!

and I'm hanging with Chase at the mall on Monday too, which is fun since we never hang outside of school.

Also today Dustin got made up by Anna, it was wonderful.

Thank you April Fool's day. Always the best day of the year. :D

My drug of choice is adrenalin, like heroin, mescalin, perfection

I hate blogging when I'm angry. I' just type furiously, partially unaware of what's being said, and my grammar and spelling just suffers.

I'm really pissed off right now, and I'm sure that there's only one person that reads this and it's the one that contributing to my anger.

Something so minor has now blown out of proportion in way that is now personal attacks on character and has ended up with me some how saying that I think one of our friends (he's a better friend to her than me) is comparable to the assholes I've dated. Which is NOT the point I was making at all, it was more meant as I've made really stupid decisions and had a bad relationship history, but she has like no relationship history but she's made better choices.

Oh well, I know I've made a few shitty decisions, but I guess I don't regret most of them since they've shaped me in ways no other experiences could have. First I've learned not to rush things, or date people out of pity, and then I learned fear isn't a reason to date anyone.

Third I learned that falling in love is a blessing and a curse. It's the biggest high but leaves you with the deepest darkest lows. With that one I also learned that I shouldn't let guys treat me like shit because then you just feel like shit. But it think the love thing was better than the rest. I was SO happy for like six months at a time that I needed it. And I still can barely keep from smiling around him sometimes.

And the last one like fuck it was four am, I was fucking tired, I was falling asleep and eventually if you ask someone the same question in different ways when they're at the drunk stage of tired the answer could change... I'm not super unhappy about that one but I didn't know him and even though I called everything off before I even hung out with him I learned summer school is not the place to meet people unless you can get real opinions on the kid from people who aren't his friend... also jealousy get you nowhere.

Okay maybe a few of those lessons I could have learned from other things, like the jealousy one, but I definitely don't think it would have had the same effect on me.

I've learned all this from a few mistakes that never hurt anyone, well not me anyways, okay it number three did hurt, it was torture for part of it but hurting myself probably only makes that stick out more.

Either way I don't want to fight anymore, but I know how the cycles like this go, because the log that fuels the fire never goes away.

I should probably say goodbye to this friend now. I can't say I didn't know this would end, I always figured if I lost a friend it'd be one of the ones I made in high school particularly ninth grade, since after then I've just been fucked up.

Like everyone else she'll be better off without me.

I wonder how long it'll be until I lose Rowan and ALL my real friends become more like acquaintances and I'll be stuck in this town alone, at least I've only got a year or two left. And I guess I'll have to get used to not really knowing people before I go to college, because chances are I won't know anyone or I'll only know one to three people.

Your world opens up and swallows me.
I'm empty, just another silent symphony.
Those lies in between the strings and the timpani divide... The violence playing my song
The orchestra of flesh and bone.

But This Is a Life So Consider The Sea.

I'm not sure what I'm going to say, I never really sure of that anymore.

I've realized I have a stutter, worse than I thought it was. I wonder if I could get William Beckett to help me get over it.

As I write I'm sitting in a hotel room at the Radison Hotel, coughing every thirty seconds (apparently it's not as often as it seems). I'm supposed to be visiting my Grandpa and Step-Grandmother. He's talking to my mom and my step-grandmother is watching The Young and The Restless on the big-screen TV.

Oh it's good to know my step-Grandmother can't remember my name. It's been sixteen and a half years I've been alive and she can't remember my fucking name? Really? I knew you didn't like my part of the family but you could at least try and pretend to give a shit. I'm you're fucking family and you agreed to be a part of that when you married my grandfather 24 years ago.

I'm still trying to get over this sickness, I'm un-officially saying I have Justin Beiber, A condition that makes my voice sound pubecent and whiney, but also makes me cough.

On a plus side to that, I'm using my ab muscles, which is kinda making them exist for once.

I'm having a few issues that I won't discuss, mostly because I'm trying to get around them before they become full problems.

Anyway, know I'm being made fun of by my mother so I best go.

Instructions:

1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into DeviantART Search.
2. Using only the first page of results, pick one image for each question.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers. Questions:

1. What is your first name? Hayley
2. What is your favorite food? Ice Cream
3. What high school did you go to? KCVI
4. What is your favorite color? Purple
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Andy Six, Does he count? Too BAD!
6. Favorite drink? Pina Colada
7. Dream vacation? Europe
8. Favorite dessert? Nanimo Bars :)
9. What you want to be when you grow up? Music Journalist
10. What do you love most in life? Music
11. One word to describe you: Alive
12. Your DeviantART name. Rain-Without-a-bow

---- ----- ----- ------ ------ ----- ----- ----- ----

Anyway I'm back from Ottawa, a nice escape from the world I missed so much. It's been a week now that I've been away from the cave, my lovely little second home. I haven't been on air since the Wednesday before brake, and I miss the mic and working the board.

Oh well the much needed vacation didn't help any of my problems but they didn't hurt them any either.

I must say, I need to go to ottawa more often, they have prettier boys, and *gasp* HOTT emo boys, like everywhere!!

Oh well off to deal with other duties.

I've been debating posting a new blog for a while now. The debate mostly stems from the fact I have SO many things I want to say, but I'm not sure how to say them. There are also somethings I want to say but I don't want other people to know. I'm sure just writing it out somewhere else might help, but I don't think I'd get the same feeling from it.

Writing it our in a journal, doesn't make me feel any better about things. It just makes me remember how bad I was feeling as I scribbled the words on the pages. When I type it out and post it in a blog, I feel a bit more relief. Like I've put it out there, away from me, I can read it if I want too, but it's not as big of a problem anymore.

I don't know if this makes any sense but I'm going to keep going.

I'm just so frustrated by so many things lately. Part of it is from all the station work. I know It where I work/ go to school, but I don't understand why so many things are now my responsibility.

This week K8 was sick, and don't get me wrong its in no way her fault I love K8 and she works too hard at the station anyway. As I was saying, she was sick so I ended up doing most of the work for news, I'm not saying I want a cookie or anything, K8 has done a thousand times more work in that feild than I have.

On top of that no one in my department did their jobs, K8 being the only one with a good reason. I don't know why people find it so hard to keep one room clean. The newsroom is probably the hardest job, and if it's done regularly it's like nothing. The thing that bothers me about it is that I ended up having to do all of it myself Friday afternoon.

I'm not trying to complain, I know I'm not the only one in the station that works hard, but this weeks just feels like it was a lot. Every time I turned around while I was doing something someone else would ask me to do something, or just be kind of asshole-ish.

I know next year is going to be worse. Since all the people that do any kind of work will be gone, off to college. I'll likely be the only one who can edit news, I'll be the only one that can record it most likely too. I'll be the only one who cleans the fucking place, and I'll probably get less shows than I did this semester and I only have three.

Plus Chatzel is on my back constantly over asking someone out when I've already told him I'm not going too. I'm slightly too afraid, and I just don't think it's a good idea. Plus I think I might be getting over them.

I've also been neglecting my friends. I haven't been spending much time with them since I've been busy at the station. I've also been quite bitchy towards them when they're around since I'm just too tired and fed up to remind myself that they aren't the reason I'm unhappy.

To all of my friends, even the ones I don't talk to, and the ones that don't read this, I'm sorry.

On the plus side, I'm going to Ottawa on Monday with Katie, hopefully the retail therapy and some time with another friend I've been neglecting will do me some good.

On a completely unrelated note. I wish I could be like four again. Where I could just live in my fairly-tale imaginary world where there were no problems and nothing could hurt me. I miss the days where delusions were easy to get lost in. Now I'm stuck growing up and facing all the problems I put off until I was older. I now have to decide will next year be my last in high school? If so where the fuck am I going to get the money for my post secondary education? Will I go for the two year Radio program at loyalist, or the three year jounalism one. Or do I go to a different school entirely?

Right now I'm leaning towards the last one. If I go to a new school in a new place no one will know me, I won't have friends to distract me from my studying, which I very well won't be able to do any way since I won't have the money.

Oh well, I've been writing this on and off for like two hours so I'm going to post this soon, but I'm going to leave this with one final question I've been asking myself all week.

Why do I want the song 'brick by boring brick' by Paramore to be written about me?

If you don't know it google it, it's wonderful.