I'm not really sure what I want to say. All that I know is I need to say something, anything. I have this urge in my hands and fingers to just type until it takes me somewhere new. Like getting in a car and driving as fast as possible until I'm in another town completely.
I feel so trapped by all of this, life love, random things that shouldn't bother me. I want to be myself again, not just in day-long phases but fully. I get to the point now sometimes where I just want to curl up into a ball as tight and small as I possibly can, just disappear.
I want to feel like I can actually like someone and have it lead to something other than me hating them. I want to forget about a majority of the things in my past because they keep holding me back.
I want to forget that my godmother's dead and that both of my grandparents are dieing. I don't want to feel like I have to be the emotional support for my entire family just because I've been strong enough to take care of my mom and I most of my life.
I want to go back in time and be a real kid, not be forced to grow up when I was only seven years old. I'm not really trying to complain, I know millions of people grew up with worse lives than me, but I still wish I could change it.
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I was recently listening to the song 'Watch Me Bleed' by Scary Kids, Scaring Kids. I connect with the lyrics and the emotions of the song in such away it usually causes me to tear slightly.
Most of the lyrics are kinds of in a perspective that I relate to but two lines, 'I gave you everything to die with a smile,' Makes me think that it's be something he would say. He used to constantly try to get me to smile, but now that a new girlfriend is in the picture, he's going to care more about her than himself.
Also the lyric 'All You wanted was to live for a while.' It makes me think of the breakup, that summer I just got really busy, actually having a life, and he felt like I should just live for a while then I could come back to him or something like that, not really what happened though.
But the rest really ties into how I was feeling for the longest time. I can't wait for the day I can just enjoy the song for how beautiful it is and not have it remind me of him.
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Another topic change!
My mother has agreed to let me get my lip pierced FINALLY! All I have to do is some research so I can get it done from Page's dad hopefully, but my mom won't let me get it done by him until she meets him. I also have to sign some contract thing that I won't drink, smoke, do drugs or have unprotected sex until I'm eighteen, all of these I think I can manage.
Hopefully my mother will let me go see Silverstein in two weeks or so, but I doubt it.
Anyway I best go since I've been writing this on and off for a few hours now. I'll likely post again tomorrow.
The Silence keeps it easy,
Keeps you safe for the moment.
As you’re walking away,
Your footsteps get louder.
All you needed was time,
Now time will destroy us.
It’s almost over and here we are,
We’re stuck inside the salted earth together
You pierce my lungs, my limbs go numb.
As my color fades out,
You watch me bleed,
You watch me bleed.
I gave you everything to die with a smile,
All you wanted was to live for a while.
You took everything but it left you empty,
You can’t replace me, You can’t.
It’s almost over and here we are,
We’re stuck inside this salted earth together,
You’ll pierce my lungs, my limbs go numb.
As my colors fade out,
You watch me bleed,
You watch me bleed.
It will all be over and here we are,
We’ll die inside the salted earth together.
You pierce my lungs, my limbs go numb,
As my color fades out,
You watch me bleed,
You watch me bleed.
You watch me bleed
You watch me bleed...
Watch me bleed.
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