Okay so I'm heavy into helping 'To Write Love On Her Arms' now-a days, more so than I was before. I want this charity to help everyone that needs it. Go to their website or their Social Vibe page their should be a link in the side bar thing (Over there <---).
I'm getting their shirts for Christmas, (as long as you're not using FEDEX, shipping only like 5$). I'm so excited this Charity is something I strongly endorse. Go to their website, read their mission statement and the story that got it all started.
Helping them is helping me, so please do the Social Vibe stuff, it's a way to help them for free, I seriously love this cause.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Holy Friggen Shit.
Okay so, I'm completely overwhelmed by life right now. When I think about it, it could be so much worse, but at the moment it's still too much.
I don't want to blog about my problems anymore, because that's what I've been doing for a while now. Whether it's on this site or another. Even through writing it's how I end up, dealing. Well not really, it's more like pretending to deal. Like convincing myself I'm okay with all this stuff that's actually crushing me. I can barely even sleep anymore.
Plus now that people are "following" me it makes it harder. I don't want them to either feel pity, or look at me like I'm bitching about things that aren't real problems. I mostly don't like people knowing whats going on, it's the way I am and have been for as long as I can remember.
But my godmother's been dead for a little over five months now, she's missed her 11 year-old son's first day of school this year. She missed my 16th birthday which is something she'd been talking about since I was like three. She missed her own 43rd birthday, her father's birthday and thanks giving. Now Halloween, which was something her and my god brother used to love.
I know people die. At least one person dies like every second. But it's hard when its someone who was one of the closest things to a second parent.
Of course I'm not her son, who's lost his mother, his cat and his dog. His father is an idiot and an asshole so he's had his girlfriend move into his house, living and sleeping in his mother's room. wearing her clothes. Of course she brought her two children with her and he now has to share all of his things, and he doesn't even have his old room anymore.
He shares the guest bedroom with that bitch's son while her daughter sleeps soundly every night in his old bedroom. The two other kids mother sleeping just as soundly laying next to his father in the room where his mother died. The stress that killed her caused by him.
Of course Christmas and his birthday are both coming up soon. No surprise that I'm sure he'll get kicked into the corner while the two other kids live in his house and play with his toys. I would not be surprised if his father forgot when his 12th birthday comes in January.
His father is even being such an ass as to keep him from his aunt and grandparents whenever possible in fear that he might say something discriminatory about the two. This poor kid must be ready to explode. He also has mild case of aspergers, a form a autism, which makes it hard for him to adapt to change, and he likes his life lived in routine.
Now with all that just happening. My grandfather who had a third, or fourth, triple bypass surgery may 5th; while I was watching four of my favorite people perform on stage, has now been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, which isn't as bad as other news I've gotten recently, but it's still by no means "good news".
But over the pass few months my other grandfather has been struggling with complications with problems he's had for probably close to thirty years if not more, has been talking to doctors who've told him he needs a lung transplant.
The doctors predict the lung transplant could prolong his life at least ten years, without it it'll be almost a miracle if he lives another five. He went before a panel of doctors last Monday for a teleconference so they could figure stuff out. It took the doctors four whole days, after months of waiting for the conference itself, that the risk of him not surviving the operation is higher than they'd like. Of course he's probably about seventy years old and a lung transplant would probably be risky for anyone that age.
They said that all they're basically willing to do is wait for him to die. All we can do about that is sit and watch and make him as comfortable as possible. And with swine flu in full swing there's no guarantee that he will survive that, thankfully it's not a huge problem in his area and he's at a low risk.
Also my mother's best-friend, is also dying. I've known her just as long as any of my mother's other friends but she's been dying the longest. It's just too much for one sixteen-year-old to worry about.
My godmother's dead, my mother's best friend is dying slowly, my grandfather's dying even more slowly, and my other grandfather will be dead before I'm 21.
He'll most likely never get to meet a single one of his great grandchildren, or see any of his granddaughters get married, or his youngest grandson, who's almost eleven, graduate middle school, let alone high school.
While this hurricane is whirling around me, I'm expected to stay grounded, focused, keep my grades up, stay straight-edge and support the rest of my family while they cry about the few things out of all of this that affect them. Most of my family, aside from my mother, only have my grandfather with the lung problems to worry about.
I hate being forced into looking like nothing is wrong, it's not like I'm not used to pretending I'm fine, I just thought I'd be able to be myself fully by now. And it's getting harder and harder to cope.
I don't want to blog about my problems anymore, because that's what I've been doing for a while now. Whether it's on this site or another. Even through writing it's how I end up, dealing. Well not really, it's more like pretending to deal. Like convincing myself I'm okay with all this stuff that's actually crushing me. I can barely even sleep anymore.
Plus now that people are "following" me it makes it harder. I don't want them to either feel pity, or look at me like I'm bitching about things that aren't real problems. I mostly don't like people knowing whats going on, it's the way I am and have been for as long as I can remember.
But my godmother's been dead for a little over five months now, she's missed her 11 year-old son's first day of school this year. She missed my 16th birthday which is something she'd been talking about since I was like three. She missed her own 43rd birthday, her father's birthday and thanks giving. Now Halloween, which was something her and my god brother used to love.
I know people die. At least one person dies like every second. But it's hard when its someone who was one of the closest things to a second parent.
Of course I'm not her son, who's lost his mother, his cat and his dog. His father is an idiot and an asshole so he's had his girlfriend move into his house, living and sleeping in his mother's room. wearing her clothes. Of course she brought her two children with her and he now has to share all of his things, and he doesn't even have his old room anymore.
He shares the guest bedroom with that bitch's son while her daughter sleeps soundly every night in his old bedroom. The two other kids mother sleeping just as soundly laying next to his father in the room where his mother died. The stress that killed her caused by him.
Of course Christmas and his birthday are both coming up soon. No surprise that I'm sure he'll get kicked into the corner while the two other kids live in his house and play with his toys. I would not be surprised if his father forgot when his 12th birthday comes in January.
His father is even being such an ass as to keep him from his aunt and grandparents whenever possible in fear that he might say something discriminatory about the two. This poor kid must be ready to explode. He also has mild case of aspergers, a form a autism, which makes it hard for him to adapt to change, and he likes his life lived in routine.
Now with all that just happening. My grandfather who had a third, or fourth, triple bypass surgery may 5th; while I was watching four of my favorite people perform on stage, has now been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, which isn't as bad as other news I've gotten recently, but it's still by no means "good news".
But over the pass few months my other grandfather has been struggling with complications with problems he's had for probably close to thirty years if not more, has been talking to doctors who've told him he needs a lung transplant.
The doctors predict the lung transplant could prolong his life at least ten years, without it it'll be almost a miracle if he lives another five. He went before a panel of doctors last Monday for a teleconference so they could figure stuff out. It took the doctors four whole days, after months of waiting for the conference itself, that the risk of him not surviving the operation is higher than they'd like. Of course he's probably about seventy years old and a lung transplant would probably be risky for anyone that age.
They said that all they're basically willing to do is wait for him to die. All we can do about that is sit and watch and make him as comfortable as possible. And with swine flu in full swing there's no guarantee that he will survive that, thankfully it's not a huge problem in his area and he's at a low risk.
Also my mother's best-friend, is also dying. I've known her just as long as any of my mother's other friends but she's been dying the longest. It's just too much for one sixteen-year-old to worry about.
My godmother's dead, my mother's best friend is dying slowly, my grandfather's dying even more slowly, and my other grandfather will be dead before I'm 21.
He'll most likely never get to meet a single one of his great grandchildren, or see any of his granddaughters get married, or his youngest grandson, who's almost eleven, graduate middle school, let alone high school.
While this hurricane is whirling around me, I'm expected to stay grounded, focused, keep my grades up, stay straight-edge and support the rest of my family while they cry about the few things out of all of this that affect them. Most of my family, aside from my mother, only have my grandfather with the lung problems to worry about.
I hate being forced into looking like nothing is wrong, it's not like I'm not used to pretending I'm fine, I just thought I'd be able to be myself fully by now. And it's getting harder and harder to cope.
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