I'm not going to lie, I really wish I was able to read minds, I could avoid so many problems, and avoid annoying the people that don't like me. And get over my stupid problem with rejection, I'd know before hand if I were to try if I'd get shot down or not.

It would make everything so much easier. I'm so tired of feeling like no one is really honest with me. I don't understand why people can't just be honest and tell me to my face that they hate me or they like me, or whatever.

It would make me honestly truly happy to know the real honest truth about everything. I'm sure it would make many conversation awkward but at this point I don't care.

Anyway, off to randomness land.

I'm done.

Oh my god, I can't believe the events of today. Okay that's a lie, I can totally understand it, it's not something I didn't expect.

I dropped my math class, since it's not the course I wanted to take. Honestly there's not much more to it than that. I didn't think that putting the huge amount of effort into that for no reason was a valuable way to spend my time when I can put that into Radio, something I want a career in. The station needs the extra vet to help get everything done.

So one of my friends, and for their sake and mine, they shall remain nameless, she wasn't happy with my choice to drop the class. She says it was just my laziness and that every time something gets too hard I just give up.

In my opinion the class wasn't that hard, I probably could have passed, but it's not what I wanted to take.

In all honesty if I was lazy I wouldn't be in radio, I couldn't be. If I gave up every time things got too hard I wouldn't have stuck with math last year and then taken it again in summer school, I wouldn't have stayed friends with her, and I think most importantly of all I would have killed myself several times.

Sure I can be lazy sometimes, but if we're talking lazy I think she takes the cake. If something isn't within her direct reach without moving she'll make someone else do it, among other things.

Now that I've started with the topic of her, she's given up on more than half of the things she's tried, I just felt the need to mention that.

It seems to me she finds things about me, that are truly major flaws in herself and exagerates them, Right now as we speak we're fighting via twitter, and it just getting me so upset, I don't want to be like this anymore. I knew our friendship wasn't the greatest she was manipulative and centered around her.

I'm pretty much in tears over all of this and I just want to stop enough to enjoy my favorite band be the crazy guys they are on much music.

If I'm not enough to be with you, then atleast still be my friend part 2

Okay so maybe I lied earlier. As far as days go today was find, kinda had to get in the middle of a mild fight but nothing serious.

But I can't help but feel stuck. Earlier I was looking through the people following me on twitter. When I saw two of the people, right there one after the other, my jaw almost dropped. I went from sitting in my living room to being in some other world, it was so strange. I instantly went from where I knew I was to this white room, there was a window but it was painted shut with this bright red paint, I couldn't even stand. It was so freaky. I've been thinking about it ever since.

And then today I was happily hanging out in the booth with Dilly, Lizzy and Pat, and then three boys, Monty, Dylan and Luke come in and ,I think I already said this but, I felt almost nauseous. Luke put his hand on my shoulder and I LITERALLY almost gaged. When Dylan walked by it sent a chill down my spine, and definitely not in a good way.

So those aren't bad things, but they're not good signs in my opinion.

Anyway...

If I'm not enough to be with you, then atleast still be my friend

Today was a pretty good day. I'm not going to lie I was pretty content for once. Although I mildly regret telling the tall one something, but nothing I can do about that now.

Although I wish I could remove two kids from the program, I seriously felt sick when they were around me today. Not fun.

But anyway I think I'm whined out for a little while. So you should all be happy about that. : D

I'll always now I'm not enough to even desrve a lie.

So today was another day in the life of me, well only if you're me I guess.

I'm not really sure what I want to say. All that I know is I need to say something, anything. I have this urge in my hands and fingers to just type until it takes me somewhere new. Like getting in a car and driving as fast as possible until I'm in another town completely.

I feel so trapped by all of this, life love, random things that shouldn't bother me. I want to be myself again, not just in day-long phases but fully. I get to the point now sometimes where I just want to curl up into a ball as tight and small as I possibly can, just disappear.

I want to feel like I can actually like someone and have it lead to something other than me hating them. I want to forget about a majority of the things in my past because they keep holding me back.

I want to forget that my godmother's dead and that both of my grandparents are dieing. I don't want to feel like I have to be the emotional support for my entire family just because I've been strong enough to take care of my mom and I most of my life.

I want to go back in time and be a real kid, not be forced to grow up when I was only seven years old. I'm not really trying to complain, I know millions of people grew up with worse lives than me, but I still wish I could change it.

---

I was recently listening to the song 'Watch Me Bleed' by Scary Kids, Scaring Kids. I connect with the lyrics and the emotions of the song in such away it usually causes me to tear slightly.

Most of the lyrics are kinds of in a perspective that I relate to but two lines, 'I gave you everything to die with a smile,' Makes me think that it's be something he would say. He used to constantly try to get me to smile, but now that a new girlfriend is in the picture, he's going to care more about her than himself.

Also the lyric 'All You wanted was to live for a while.' It makes me think of the breakup, that summer I just got really busy, actually having a life, and he felt like I should just live for a while then I could come back to him or something like that, not really what happened though.

But the rest really ties into how I was feeling for the longest time. I can't wait for the day I can just enjoy the song for how beautiful it is and not have it remind me of him.

---
Another topic change!

My mother has agreed to let me get my lip pierced FINALLY! All I have to do is some research so I can get it done from Page's dad hopefully, but my mom won't let me get it done by him until she meets him. I also have to sign some contract thing that I won't drink, smoke, do drugs or have unprotected sex until I'm eighteen, all of these I think I can manage.

Hopefully my mother will let me go see Silverstein in two weeks or so, but I doubt it.

Anyway I best go since I've been writing this on and off for a few hours now. I'll likely post again tomorrow.

The Silence keeps it easy,

Keeps you safe for the moment.

As you’re walking away,

Your footsteps get louder.

All you needed was time,

Now time will destroy us.

It’s almost over and here we are,

We’re stuck inside the salted earth together

You pierce my lungs, my limbs go numb.

As my color fades out,

You watch me bleed,

You watch me bleed.

I gave you everything to die with a smile,

All you wanted was to live for a while.

You took everything but it left you empty,

You can’t replace me, You can’t.

It’s almost over and here we are,

We’re stuck inside this salted earth together,

You’ll pierce my lungs, my limbs go numb.

As my colors fade out,

You watch me bleed,

You watch me bleed.

It will all be over and here we are,

We’ll die inside the salted earth together.

You pierce my lungs, my limbs go numb,

As my color fades out,

You watch me bleed,

You watch me bleed.

You watch me bleed

You watch me bleed...

Watch me bleed.

If I'm not enough to make you smile, then at least be enough to keep me from crying.

UGH! another day, another rant.

So not only am I tired of being told what to do I think the tall one is now going to try and set me up with his friend. Don't get me wrong I like them both, but I'm not sure I like the idea of dating my friends ex, whether she's over him or not.

I also think slowly but surely, I'm falling in like with one of my radio friends. He's such a nice person and I rarely feel uncomfortable around him, actually I don't feel uncomfortable around him at all. We talk like we've known each other longer than a year, but we still don't know much about each other.

On a side note, the only one of my exes that I still talk to on occasion has another girlfriend. Thanks to this once again he won't talk to me. Thanks jerk-face. I mean it totally helped the getting over him process like a million notches, which is good because the faster I'm totally done with him, the more my ridiculous fear of commitment fades, of course my fear of rejection increases, but you win some you lose some I guess.

I guess thinking about it now, knowing that he's not there if I do want him back, so it forces me to a place that I haven't been in quite sometime. I don't have that person to run and hide with if I do get rejected, and I don't have the only guy friend I trust more than anyone, because he loses himself in whatever girl he's with. They become all he cares about, and he forgets the people that really care about him.

I wonder what will come of the months to come, hopefully something good, and hopefully a good relationship. Even though I'm too afraid of rejection to try for anything, but at least my commitment problems are easing, at least for now.

On a side note, I found my purple hair dye, and got bored, so tomorrow morning will be fun with all the dye on my face that I'll have to clean off. Me and dye brushes don't always get along.

Oh well, tomorrow is a new day and a new set of problems. I guess it's just the life I have to get used to.

I'll always know I'm not enough to even make you think

I had a very fun time at Katie's house this weekend in celebration of her birthday. We probably shouldn't have watched so many scary movies with Rowan in the room. We watched The Invisible, The Haunting Of Molly Hartley and the first three installments in the Saw series.

We also made cupcakes and played some rockband. We've learn we will never be a Pixies cover band, especially with Katie on drums.

I'm still nearly heart-broken over the realization of the number of friends I've lost since high-school even in comparison to the great ones I've made.

And I'm still realizing that even if I do get another date, it's going to last long. I'm currently so much of a commitment-o-phobe I can't even commit to plans more than two weeks away. I'd really like that to change because quite honestly I'm so tired of seeing people all coupley and knowing I'm not apart of something like that, and if I do become apart of a couple it won't last long.

I always find away to ruin it. With clingy guys I push them away, well with any guy I pretty much end up pushing them away but with the clingy ones it's worse, because the more they try the harder I push to get them away from me. By the time I realized what I'm doing it's too late to apologize because they're asking if I want to breakup.

I'm of course too guilt-ridden to say that I don't so I end up breaking up with them and hating them within days, in some cases I hated them before we even reached the split.

The current frustration is that I'm not sure, but I think that I like someone. of course with me I'm always second guessing myself.

Plus I'm pissed off because of two kids telling me how to live my life. One insists that I should sleep with my ex, and another one tells me I should date one of the other radio kids... I think they should get their own lives and live them instead of trying to control me.

On another note, I'm pretty sure someone's going to get punched next week. It won't be me.

I'm a terrible girlfriend and a bitch.

I'm home. I love being here, with all the people, well most of them. The music that constantly fills the air and the support from the people who actually seem to care about me. No I'm not talking about the place where I live, I hate it there a lot of the time. I'm of course talking about my lovely little station 91.9 The Cave.

I hate how I can't relax. I lay in bed for hours at night trying to unwind and sleep. Let the tension in my shoulders ease, but I can't. When I'm out of the station I'm so freaking stressed. When I'm there I forced to fix everyone else's problems and clean up after them like they're fucking two years old. I can't stand it. I'm not there to clean up and do custodial work, I'm there just like them to run a radio station and learn as much about that as I possibly can about that.

I clean up CD's every time I turn around, throw out the bags of half-eaten muffins and clean the cup and can of half finished beverages that are left laying around the station. It's not my job so quit making me do it.

Thank goodness for a few people around the station. I'm quite fond of Dillybar, he's one of the few people I can feel like I can actually talk to without 'a' being judged or 'b' having to worry about the things I said getting around.

It's not like I like him like him, mostly because I know I'm a terrible girlfriend, and partially because he's one of the few people there that keep me sane, and I've never had a problem with him leaving shit around.

Then there's Keight. She's so awesome, she works even harder then I do. She's freaking badass.


But now I'm stuck on the girlfriend topic, since Dilly and I were talking earlier, mostly about our past and stuff, and I think he's such a sweetheart but I'd feel so bad if I ever wanted to go out with him and vice versa.

I'm sure he'd want someone who was into the relationship situation, but with a non-clingy girl that wouldn't cheat on him. I mean I'm not a cheater, and I'm not clingy but I don't make for a good relationship at least in my opinion.

I mean, my longest relationship was like two months, and I was miserable more than half the time since he was too clingy, I've made it quite clear for a good six years now, on weekends and days I don't have school, I'm rarely up before noon. So he calls me at nine AM because he's bored. NO, I'm not the cure for your boredom.

I have all these warped opinions on things, like guys shouldn't spend their money on me, they have better things to spend (or waste) it one than me. At least then I don't feel like I used them when I inevitably break up with them because I'm too paranoid to function.

I think that I should legally not be allowed to like people, or date, or fall in love, and of course people not being able to do the same to me. It's not fair to other the other people that would get involved.

On an almost oxymoronic side note, I need a life bad, even my teacher has more of one than me, dude even got a date last week, I need to get out more...

But of course I'm still bitter and cynical over decisions I've made, or course listening to semi-angry 'I hate you' music.

Stab my back,
It’s better when I bleed for you.
Walk on me,
There never was enough to do.

And every time he held you close,
Yeah, were you thinking of me?
When I needed you the most,
Well I hope that you’re happy.

ACADIA IS GONE

I hate it so much how people I used to care about, used to be good friends with, shared secrets with either hate me, don't notice me or don't care.

I'm not saying that people hating me and not caring is anything new to me, since it's really not.

I just wish these people would give me enough as to say it to my face. Even if you don't have a reason, as a human being don't I deserve at least that much?

There are SO many people I used to talk to in classes, or would say 'hi' in the halls, but apparently I'm not good enough to them for that kind of personable communication anymore.

I used to talk to so many people, people I used to think actually wanted to talk to me, or cared enough to feign an int rest for the few minutes to took to get me to help them solve their problems.

But I am starting the get answer to a question I've been asking myself since I was probably around ten years old. 'Would anyone really care, or miss me, if I just disappeared?' apparently the amount of people is much lower than I thought. I assumed there would be a few people that would care that clearly don't.

A few people I grew up with, that I've known all of my life (or at least it seems that way), don't seem to care much. One of them is quite nice in the hallway, enough for mild chit chat, but that's just the type of person she is.

I really miss her, we used to be such good friends and now I'm lucky if she says hello to me in the hallway. It really hurts me to see that she's going through such a hard time right now and I had to find out through her blog, she used to actually tell me stuff.

I admit I probably didn't make friendship easy for her in recent years. Most of the time we spoke towards the end of it I was too stressed from every other problem I had to not unload bits on her.

I feel so bad because I'm sure it's my fault we don't talk. The friends we shared said things to her jokingly that I think may have affected her. She got a different group and I still have mine, but I really miss that she's not part of it.

Plus there's this guy I used to be fairly close to, we talked all the time about problems and stuff try and help each other without being too specific, well he doesn't talk to me anymore. His locker is right near the station and I see him every so often, since last year I haven't gotten a hi or a wave, or even some sort of indication he even cares that I exist.

The sad thing is I used to really like him, I never told him, but I'm sure he knew. I'm not sure if he ever liked me but we were still pretty good friends outside of that little detail, people constantly teased us about it, even out grade nine tech teacher thought he had something between us.

I'm not sure whether I wish we had or not, but I wish we still spoke that's for damn sure.

I'm sure there are better to vent my emotions than online in a blog anyone could read, even the people I've mentioned already, but writing it out by hand in a journal would kill a few too many trees for my liking.

There are far too many people I spoke to even last year that I don't talk to now. The only person I was friends with in math class doesn't acknowledge me, everyone but one person from my drama class last year don't talk to me. I lost all the friends I had in my third period french class before that semester, and History I only had Rowan as far as people that would talk to me are concerned.

Ironically I had all afternoon with the girl I mentioned before, and history with the guy.

I think now that I'm in radio it's just made me that much easier to lift out of their memories and their lives.

I'm so tired of all these whiny little emo blog posts, but I'm too stressed out to find another way to cope. The party I went to on Friday was unbelievably tempting. If it weren't for getting my finals done that afternoon, I probably would have ended up being part of a third pair of people drunkenly making out.

At least I'm getting to be able to resist temptations from other ways to cope so if writing lengthy emo blogs helps more than any of the other methods I've been forced into then so be it. I hope any of you who read this realize that for the next while this will likely be me whining and bitching.

But hey I may just make another blog for that all together to keep people from getting annoyed again.

In the house I grew up in
My room in the basement
The hours turning
To years we've spent
Remember Chris in the back yard
Laughing so damn hard
And no one knew why
But the rest is forgotten

Behind me
Sometimes it reminds me
Of when we, we used to
Belong here

Every memory comes on
When I hear that old song
We used to sing
With the words all wrong
I remember the faces
And familiar places
Tonight seemed all wrong
But Acadia is gone

Now we've all moved away and
Somehow became me
But I remember where it began...

Birthdays, equations and a whole new life.

Tomorrow will be a busy day. Not only is it the lovely Katie's birthday, it's Dilly's too. I must hug him and remind him that one day he'll be bald like Mr. Rose.

Tomorrow also come with the first day of the new semester, with that brings the start of my final semester of math class! okay, I'm excited because it's my last one, and I'm happy because I have it with Alison, Carly, Dustin, Chris and like ten other people. But I'm so unenthusiastic with math. I failed last year with a (totally undeserved) measly 35%.

The teacher hated me with a passion, since I wasn't really stupid, I wasn't really smart and I wasn't in her band class. I was just normal old me. At midterms I had a 76% which I was pretty happy with, but less than two weeks my mom got a phone call telling me I was at 39%.

I asked teacher's that's impossible!!! BTW.

But I have the same teacher I had in grade nine, we didn't learn much, which is most likely why I started failing last semester. The teacher mostly told stories of when she worked in a prison, and really bad jokes and puns. It really wasn't fun.

And with the new semester brings new kids to the cave, a few of them I dislike, only one of them I've never met, and there's only one new girl.

Of course new kids means old ones leaving. Dustin, Soda, Sam, Ben, Harrison, Josh, Monty, Val and Ryan/Hunter/H Rock/Young Blue are all leaving the station. Ben says he'll come and visit, Harrison and Josh will still be around, Val insists she will have shows, but most of us aren't on the same page as her, I don't know about Monty and Hunter, but I know Sam will still be trying to come back for the two shows he's part of.

But on a positive note only five more months until summer!!