Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
When was the last time you gave flowers?
I don't think I have, other than at my godmother's funeral.
Who would win in a fight: pirates or ninjas?
I prefer Pirates. They have wenches and swords and ships
Friday, August 27, 2010
What would be the best thing about being a vampire?
The ability to flit or fly depending on the lore, the not aging thing, not being able to freeze to death, umm... glamouring could be fun. Really anything as long as I wasn't sparkly.
If you could go on a road trip with any person, dead or alive, who would it be and where would you go?
Page, and the ATL dudes, and wherever the fuck we ended up.
Would you rather work at a large company or a small one?
I Just want to work somewhere I can be happy.
If you could change one thing that happened last year what would it be?
To be honest, nothing. This year was one of the best, Maybe more concerts.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
If you could be on one TV show which one would it be?
Criminal Minds, Wizards of Waverly (MAGIC DUH!) or Friends.
What's one food you'll never eat again?
Leeche fruit... there's also this weird green shit one of my former friends mom makes and it's just wrong.
What music are you listening to today?
I've just been listening to my iPod on shuffle, so just about everything.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
If you had to perform at the circus, what trick would you do?
None, I'd just sit there in protest, I am against any circus that has animals.
Monday, August 9, 2010
How would you feel if the last person to make you cry died today?
I've been the reason for most of my tears lately, but If you've mattered to me enough to be the cause of my tears then chances are I'll always care about you to a certain degree. Personally tho, out of the possibilities of the last person to make me cry other than myself, I just don't think I'd know what to do with myself.
(if this answer makes no sense, it's because it's two am)
Friday, August 6, 2010
What's your favorite season of the year?
Fall because it's not hot as balls, but it's not freezing either.
What household chore do you hate to do the most?
Cleaning the Kitchen... it's just so suckish, mostly because it's not really my mess/
ASK ME QUESTIONS FOOLS! haha I got formspring 'cause I was bored, I need people to ask me questions!
Monday, July 19, 2010
yes I stole this from Kay's blog... I was bored and it's something to do : )
Share one thing that nobody knows about you.
Hmm, probably that I'm scared of lots of things, most of them I can hide pretty well, but it makes me rather paranoid.
What is your biggest regret in life?
I'm not sure, I've stopped regretting most things. I just go by a 'everything happened for a reason' type of philosophy I kinda like where I am right now to be honest.
What would you do with a thousand dollars?
I would get a lovely new camera the new powershot in orange. And then rest would be spent doing fun things, like warped tour next year!!! oh it would be super. that and Glamour Kills clothing and various All Time Low related things.
If you could go back in time, would you still pick the person you are with right now?
I'm not really with anyone, but I would change it so I know what the hell is going on at this moment or just so we were infact together... lol I sound so lame DX.
tis all for now.
Share one thing that nobody knows about you.
Hmm, probably that I'm scared of lots of things, most of them I can hide pretty well, but it makes me rather paranoid.
What is your biggest regret in life?
I'm not sure, I've stopped regretting most things. I just go by a 'everything happened for a reason' type of philosophy I kinda like where I am right now to be honest.
What would you do with a thousand dollars?
I would get a lovely new camera the new powershot in orange. And then rest would be spent doing fun things, like warped tour next year!!! oh it would be super. that and Glamour Kills clothing and various All Time Low related things.
If you could go back in time, would you still pick the person you are with right now?
I'm not really with anyone, but I would change it so I know what the hell is going on at this moment or just so we were infact together... lol I sound so lame DX.
tis all for now.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
So my other blog is being dumb so I'm going to rant here instead.
Bear with me.
I really fucking HATE the couples that date for like two months and start saying they're in love, sure once it a blue moon it might actually be true but in life you're more than likely the rule not the exception. It takes more that knowing someone for a few months to know if you're in love with them.
In my experience and with every conversation I've had about love, you have to know everything about a person, even the things that they've been hiding, you have to know their past and be completely okay with that.
In most cases you have to completely hate someone before you can love them, because as a great friend of mine once said, the two are nearly interchangeable.
Love doesn't happen in three months especially when you're 16. It's fine with me if that's what you think but my opinion will stay the same.
Most of the stories you hear about teens falling in love so fast so young are the ones who end up in abusive relationships, or murdered on 48 hours mysteries.
I'm sorry to rant again, but I'm just tired of EVERYONE around me falling in love in like 30 seconds. It's just not real.
Bear with me.
I really fucking HATE the couples that date for like two months and start saying they're in love, sure once it a blue moon it might actually be true but in life you're more than likely the rule not the exception. It takes more that knowing someone for a few months to know if you're in love with them.
In my experience and with every conversation I've had about love, you have to know everything about a person, even the things that they've been hiding, you have to know their past and be completely okay with that.
In most cases you have to completely hate someone before you can love them, because as a great friend of mine once said, the two are nearly interchangeable.
Love doesn't happen in three months especially when you're 16. It's fine with me if that's what you think but my opinion will stay the same.
Most of the stories you hear about teens falling in love so fast so young are the ones who end up in abusive relationships, or murdered on 48 hours mysteries.
I'm sorry to rant again, but I'm just tired of EVERYONE around me falling in love in like 30 seconds. It's just not real.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Hopefully this one works, I'm tired of running around the internet to keep people from finding things I may not want them to know, I'm not going to lie a lot of me wanting a semi-private blog is keep from hurting people.
I can be quite nasty and/or offensive when it strikes me and I don't want people to be hurt by the words I say.
The simple solution would be not to say those things, but that defeats the purpose of me having a blog/journal online.
Of course now I assume you're all thinking then why don't I just not blog, to which I say that I've explained this in previous posts, but to summarize again, it's a better release then hand writing it and have it sit in my room haunting me. Once it in a blog its out there to end up where it may.
I can be quite nasty and/or offensive when it strikes me and I don't want people to be hurt by the words I say.
The simple solution would be not to say those things, but that defeats the purpose of me having a blog/journal online.
Of course now I assume you're all thinking then why don't I just not blog, to which I say that I've explained this in previous posts, but to summarize again, it's a better release then hand writing it and have it sit in my room haunting me. Once it in a blog its out there to end up where it may.
>X(
It's been almost a month since I last posted here, but it's come to my attention I need to find a new fucking blog site. Yeah, thanks, fucking twitter >X( well then I'm off to find another website to be my whiny little self.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Changing Places; I want to live life from a new perspective.
So I'm moving,
not like houses or anything but blogs.
I'll still use this for some of my photo shop projects, but that's not the same blog.
I'm switching over to a different website. I'm not posting a link or the name or anything, because to me having people reading my blog defeats the purpose, because then I start censoring myself and holding things back.
I'll attempt to post here semi-regularily, but I'm sure I won't have much to say. Not that I've had much to say recently, I seem to recall my last post being about food.
It's for the best. Plus not many people really care.
I'm like 99.9 % sure Katie's the only one who reads this anyway.
not like houses or anything but blogs.
I'll still use this for some of my photo shop projects, but that's not the same blog.
I'm switching over to a different website. I'm not posting a link or the name or anything, because to me having people reading my blog defeats the purpose, because then I start censoring myself and holding things back.
I'll attempt to post here semi-regularily, but I'm sure I won't have much to say. Not that I've had much to say recently, I seem to recall my last post being about food.
It's for the best. Plus not many people really care.
I'm like 99.9 % sure Katie's the only one who reads this anyway.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
FOOOOOOOOOOOD!
I'm so tired lately. Like I honestly can't function fully just because I'm yawning all the time and stuff.
YAY! I'm getting lunch soon! I'm excited the last time I bought lunch it was from the Chip Truck, it was amazing, and disgusting at the same time. As far as fast food goes it's fresh and healthier than most of the other places around here, but it's just so greasy.
But I'm going to SubWay!! I'm so excited I've been craving it for a few days, even if I had it on the weekend. I'm also excited for my rather yummy dinner tonight, even if it is leftovers.
Enough about food...
okay I think of anything but food at the moment, but I'm still kinda hungry, so it explains a lot.
I also had cookies for breakfast thanks to Rowan, but I'm off to get my lunch, even if it's only like 10.
YAY! I'm getting lunch soon! I'm excited the last time I bought lunch it was from the Chip Truck, it was amazing, and disgusting at the same time. As far as fast food goes it's fresh and healthier than most of the other places around here, but it's just so greasy.
But I'm going to SubWay!! I'm so excited I've been craving it for a few days, even if I had it on the weekend. I'm also excited for my rather yummy dinner tonight, even if it is leftovers.
Enough about food...
okay I think of anything but food at the moment, but I'm still kinda hungry, so it explains a lot.
I also had cookies for breakfast thanks to Rowan, but I'm off to get my lunch, even if it's only like 10.
Friday, April 9, 2010
So if you, you peel away the skin You'll find the strong survive they can't always win, You won't see me drown when I Sink or Swim
Today sucked ASS, like as far as days go this has been the worse in a long time. Like it was so bad I cried! I never cry, and I fucking did in front of all most of the Radio kids and Rose.
Rose got shitty news from Admin at school.
He can only bring in six kids from KCVI next semester. Out of all the vets from KC he can only bring back kids with four credits or less. Rose is looking into Chase and Brittney since they came from other schools which apparently means that KC isn't their home school.
Which means as far as things look right now, It's just Alison and I that can't get back in, and she's not even sure if she wants to come back.
I fucking hate this, It's like I've been kicked out of my house or something, actually worse, since I don't think I'd be this upset if my mom kicked me out.
It's just not fair like the principal just doesn't get that not letting us come back is keeping the kids who care about the station the most from it, I work so fucking hard there just to be told I can't come back. It's all because of enrollment being down, teachers are being fired and Rose has to bring in 20 kids, 14 of which CAN'T be from KC.
She's making him do this because she need to raise the numbers of kids from outside of the school. The higher that number the more funding we can get from the government.
I'm not allowed back first semester because some greedy bitch wants more money.
On the bright side, there aren't any restrictions on second semester YET, but the school would have it's funding by then.
I have some other better news but I'm sworn to secrecy which pisses me off to know end.
-----
On a brighter note, Hedley last night was awesome, two hours of Hedley! it was like 'beautiful insanity' ( sorry I had to use one of their lyrics). It was just fantastic, I love Jacob Hoggard and his stage presence so much. I can't wait to see them again.
Boys Like Girls weren't bad, actually they were pretty good, but I can't say I liked their newer stuff any more than I did on their album.
Stereos were much better than I gave them credit for, they're also super nice. I may be having an interview with them sometime.
Fefe Dobson, was hilarious, she sucked to be honest and the pant-things she was wearing made it look like she had balls. But man her bassist Steve was hot.
Rose got shitty news from Admin at school.
He can only bring in six kids from KCVI next semester. Out of all the vets from KC he can only bring back kids with four credits or less. Rose is looking into Chase and Brittney since they came from other schools which apparently means that KC isn't their home school.
Which means as far as things look right now, It's just Alison and I that can't get back in, and she's not even sure if she wants to come back.
I fucking hate this, It's like I've been kicked out of my house or something, actually worse, since I don't think I'd be this upset if my mom kicked me out.
It's just not fair like the principal just doesn't get that not letting us come back is keeping the kids who care about the station the most from it, I work so fucking hard there just to be told I can't come back. It's all because of enrollment being down, teachers are being fired and Rose has to bring in 20 kids, 14 of which CAN'T be from KC.
She's making him do this because she need to raise the numbers of kids from outside of the school. The higher that number the more funding we can get from the government.
I'm not allowed back first semester because some greedy bitch wants more money.
On the bright side, there aren't any restrictions on second semester YET, but the school would have it's funding by then.
I have some other better news but I'm sworn to secrecy which pisses me off to know end.
-----
On a brighter note, Hedley last night was awesome, two hours of Hedley! it was like 'beautiful insanity' ( sorry I had to use one of their lyrics). It was just fantastic, I love Jacob Hoggard and his stage presence so much. I can't wait to see them again.
Boys Like Girls weren't bad, actually they were pretty good, but I can't say I liked their newer stuff any more than I did on their album.
Stereos were much better than I gave them credit for, they're also super nice. I may be having an interview with them sometime.
Fefe Dobson, was hilarious, she sucked to be honest and the pant-things she was wearing made it look like she had balls. But man her bassist Steve was hot.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
I Can't Live With or Without You...
Once again I'm falling back to where I always do this time of year, It seems to be him and I are getting closer, we're talking again, I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not but I'm just rolling with it for now.
I learned the other day that he wrote poems about me, and sometime next week I'm actually going to read them, never thought I'd see the day where he'd let me do that. Of course in return he gets to read some of mine too, which I'm not looking forward to but I'm fucking curious.
I've sworn up and down for over a year that I wouldn't date him again, I couldn't. It's just not good for me, but once again I may be breaking another promise to myself. Not like they mean much anyway.
Then there are the two other guys I like, one of them I think I'm getting over and the other on I'm not sure where it stands, but I'm sure nothing will come of either because of my warped views on myself, that only other people see as warped I think they're accurate, and one of them really likes another girl and is still dealing with other bullshit.
I kinda want to just take a break from anything relationship related, I mean the relationship part is far from even being a problem, but the liking people and the constant questioning about who you like is just getting to be a bit more than annoying.
At least I have Hedley to look forward to, FIVE DAYS MOTHER FUCKERS!!!
And with May fast approaching I'll be happier, fucking onset seasonal...
Believe me, It's easy
To scream when you're dreaming
You wonder what's under your bed when you're sleeping.
I love you, I need you.
Like a thousand times before.
Wonder why I hate you.
But I'll scream and ask for more.
I only wanted your attention
At least the hate is some connection
But hey, it's just another Saturday
Believe me, It's easy
To live between the lines.
You're tied up, you're cried up.
You gotta get outta here
But hey it's just another Saturday.
It's only just another Saturday.
I learned the other day that he wrote poems about me, and sometime next week I'm actually going to read them, never thought I'd see the day where he'd let me do that. Of course in return he gets to read some of mine too, which I'm not looking forward to but I'm fucking curious.
I've sworn up and down for over a year that I wouldn't date him again, I couldn't. It's just not good for me, but once again I may be breaking another promise to myself. Not like they mean much anyway.
Then there are the two other guys I like, one of them I think I'm getting over and the other on I'm not sure where it stands, but I'm sure nothing will come of either because of my warped views on myself, that only other people see as warped I think they're accurate, and one of them really likes another girl and is still dealing with other bullshit.
I kinda want to just take a break from anything relationship related, I mean the relationship part is far from even being a problem, but the liking people and the constant questioning about who you like is just getting to be a bit more than annoying.
At least I have Hedley to look forward to, FIVE DAYS MOTHER FUCKERS!!!
And with May fast approaching I'll be happier, fucking onset seasonal...
Believe me, It's easy
To scream when you're dreaming
You wonder what's under your bed when you're sleeping.
I love you, I need you.
Like a thousand times before.
Wonder why I hate you.
But I'll scream and ask for more.
I only wanted your attention
At least the hate is some connection
But hey, it's just another Saturday
Believe me, It's easy
To live between the lines.
You're tied up, you're cried up.
You gotta get outta here
But hey it's just another Saturday.
It's only just another Saturday.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
I miss you, I'm so sorry.
Today got even better.
I'm not going to lie I didn't really have many intentions of resolving what was going between my friend and I. I'm just so tired of drama and bullshit so once it stopped I was done, like for good. I've lost enough friends to not make it seem like a big deal.
But I can honestly say I didn't expect an apology from her, it just didn't seem to pan out in my head. But I opened my locker today to find a lovely picture of me she drew and a long note.
Honestly, I know I'm saying that a lot, I probably never would have seen it if it weren't for me sharing a locker with Page and her making me look at it.
It made me realize that she's one of the best friends a person could have. She puts so much into her friendships. These are just some of the things she's drawn with me in them, and the things she's drawn for me.
I'm sorry Katie I was being a jerk and we both said hurtful things, and I think a lot of the things that were said were pretty low blows, at least the ones aimed at me felt that way.
We've both had enough bullshit to deal with and the fact that we're making more of it for each other is just mean and shitty.
I wanted to do more for an apology, but I could of think of displaying how much I love your artwork and how much I appreciate the things you've drawn for me. They line my bedroom and keep me from going insane from looking at that evil pink wall.
I love you and I'm sorry.
I had more to upload but the files were too big for EVERY website.
I can't go back and I won't go back to you
So today has been a good day, SO FAR.
We got free donuts for a lot of us having show's planed but some losers didn't, and still got donuts.
Then I had lunch, I normally don't eat lunch so the bagel was extra yummy.
AND!!!
My friend Justin gave me two tickets to the Hedley show a week from today, he's my new favorite person. FUCK YES! I wanted the tickets but I didn't have the money. so yeah I'm fucking happy.
I may be meeting Rowan's fun cousin Nick on Sunday, he likes good music!
and I'm hanging with Chase at the mall on Monday too, which is fun since we never hang outside of school.
Also today Dustin got made up by Anna, it was wonderful.
Thank you April Fool's day. Always the best day of the year. :D
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
My drug of choice is adrenalin, like heroin, mescalin, perfection
I hate blogging when I'm angry. I' just type furiously, partially unaware of what's being said, and my grammar and spelling just suffers.
I'm really pissed off right now, and I'm sure that there's only one person that reads this and it's the one that contributing to my anger.
Something so minor has now blown out of proportion in way that is now personal attacks on character and has ended up with me some how saying that I think one of our friends (he's a better friend to her than me) is comparable to the assholes I've dated. Which is NOT the point I was making at all, it was more meant as I've made really stupid decisions and had a bad relationship history, but she has like no relationship history but she's made better choices.
Oh well, I know I've made a few shitty decisions, but I guess I don't regret most of them since they've shaped me in ways no other experiences could have. First I've learned not to rush things, or date people out of pity, and then I learned fear isn't a reason to date anyone.
Third I learned that falling in love is a blessing and a curse. It's the biggest high but leaves you with the deepest darkest lows. With that one I also learned that I shouldn't let guys treat me like shit because then you just feel like shit. But it think the love thing was better than the rest. I was SO happy for like six months at a time that I needed it. And I still can barely keep from smiling around him sometimes.
And the last one like fuck it was four am, I was fucking tired, I was falling asleep and eventually if you ask someone the same question in different ways when they're at the drunk stage of tired the answer could change... I'm not super unhappy about that one but I didn't know him and even though I called everything off before I even hung out with him I learned summer school is not the place to meet people unless you can get real opinions on the kid from people who aren't his friend... also jealousy get you nowhere.
Okay maybe a few of those lessons I could have learned from other things, like the jealousy one, but I definitely don't think it would have had the same effect on me.
I've learned all this from a few mistakes that never hurt anyone, well not me anyways, okay it number three did hurt, it was torture for part of it but hurting myself probably only makes that stick out more.
Either way I don't want to fight anymore, but I know how the cycles like this go, because the log that fuels the fire never goes away.
I should probably say goodbye to this friend now. I can't say I didn't know this would end, I always figured if I lost a friend it'd be one of the ones I made in high school particularly ninth grade, since after then I've just been fucked up.
Like everyone else she'll be better off without me.
I wonder how long it'll be until I lose Rowan and ALL my real friends become more like acquaintances and I'll be stuck in this town alone, at least I've only got a year or two left. And I guess I'll have to get used to not really knowing people before I go to college, because chances are I won't know anyone or I'll only know one to three people.
Your world opens up and swallows me.
I'm empty, just another silent symphony.
Those lies in between the strings and the timpani divide... The violence playing my song
The orchestra of flesh and bone.
I'm really pissed off right now, and I'm sure that there's only one person that reads this and it's the one that contributing to my anger.
Something so minor has now blown out of proportion in way that is now personal attacks on character and has ended up with me some how saying that I think one of our friends (he's a better friend to her than me) is comparable to the assholes I've dated. Which is NOT the point I was making at all, it was more meant as I've made really stupid decisions and had a bad relationship history, but she has like no relationship history but she's made better choices.
Oh well, I know I've made a few shitty decisions, but I guess I don't regret most of them since they've shaped me in ways no other experiences could have. First I've learned not to rush things, or date people out of pity, and then I learned fear isn't a reason to date anyone.
Third I learned that falling in love is a blessing and a curse. It's the biggest high but leaves you with the deepest darkest lows. With that one I also learned that I shouldn't let guys treat me like shit because then you just feel like shit. But it think the love thing was better than the rest. I was SO happy for like six months at a time that I needed it. And I still can barely keep from smiling around him sometimes.
And the last one like fuck it was four am, I was fucking tired, I was falling asleep and eventually if you ask someone the same question in different ways when they're at the drunk stage of tired the answer could change... I'm not super unhappy about that one but I didn't know him and even though I called everything off before I even hung out with him I learned summer school is not the place to meet people unless you can get real opinions on the kid from people who aren't his friend... also jealousy get you nowhere.
Okay maybe a few of those lessons I could have learned from other things, like the jealousy one, but I definitely don't think it would have had the same effect on me.
I've learned all this from a few mistakes that never hurt anyone, well not me anyways, okay it number three did hurt, it was torture for part of it but hurting myself probably only makes that stick out more.
Either way I don't want to fight anymore, but I know how the cycles like this go, because the log that fuels the fire never goes away.
I should probably say goodbye to this friend now. I can't say I didn't know this would end, I always figured if I lost a friend it'd be one of the ones I made in high school particularly ninth grade, since after then I've just been fucked up.
Like everyone else she'll be better off without me.
I wonder how long it'll be until I lose Rowan and ALL my real friends become more like acquaintances and I'll be stuck in this town alone, at least I've only got a year or two left. And I guess I'll have to get used to not really knowing people before I go to college, because chances are I won't know anyone or I'll only know one to three people.
Your world opens up and swallows me.
I'm empty, just another silent symphony.
Those lies in between the strings and the timpani divide... The violence playing my song
The orchestra of flesh and bone.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
But This Is a Life So Consider The Sea.
I'm not sure what I'm going to say, I never really sure of that anymore.
I've realized I have a stutter, worse than I thought it was. I wonder if I could get William Beckett to help me get over it.
As I write I'm sitting in a hotel room at the Radison Hotel, coughing every thirty seconds (apparently it's not as often as it seems). I'm supposed to be visiting my Grandpa and Step-Grandmother. He's talking to my mom and my step-grandmother is watching The Young and The Restless on the big-screen TV.
Oh it's good to know my step-Grandmother can't remember my name. It's been sixteen and a half years I've been alive and she can't remember my fucking name? Really? I knew you didn't like my part of the family but you could at least try and pretend to give a shit. I'm you're fucking family and you agreed to be a part of that when you married my grandfather 24 years ago.
I'm still trying to get over this sickness, I'm un-officially saying I have Justin Beiber, A condition that makes my voice sound pubecent and whiney, but also makes me cough.
On a plus side to that, I'm using my ab muscles, which is kinda making them exist for once.
I'm having a few issues that I won't discuss, mostly because I'm trying to get around them before they become full problems.
Anyway, know I'm being made fun of by my mother so I best go.
I've realized I have a stutter, worse than I thought it was. I wonder if I could get William Beckett to help me get over it.
As I write I'm sitting in a hotel room at the Radison Hotel, coughing every thirty seconds (apparently it's not as often as it seems). I'm supposed to be visiting my Grandpa and Step-Grandmother. He's talking to my mom and my step-grandmother is watching The Young and The Restless on the big-screen TV.
Oh it's good to know my step-Grandmother can't remember my name. It's been sixteen and a half years I've been alive and she can't remember my fucking name? Really? I knew you didn't like my part of the family but you could at least try and pretend to give a shit. I'm you're fucking family and you agreed to be a part of that when you married my grandfather 24 years ago.
I'm still trying to get over this sickness, I'm un-officially saying I have Justin Beiber, A condition that makes my voice sound pubecent and whiney, but also makes me cough.
On a plus side to that, I'm using my ab muscles, which is kinda making them exist for once.
I'm having a few issues that I won't discuss, mostly because I'm trying to get around them before they become full problems.
Anyway, know I'm being made fun of by my mother so I best go.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Instructions:
1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into DeviantART Search. 2. Using only the first page of results, pick one image for each question.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers. Questions:
1. What is your first name? Hayley
2. What is your favorite food? Ice Cream
3. What high school did you go to? KCVI
4. What is your favorite color? Purple
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Andy Six, Does he count? Too BAD!
6. Favorite drink? Pina Colada
7. Dream vacation? Europe
8. Favorite dessert? Nanimo Bars :)
9. What you want to be when you grow up? Music Journalist
10. What do you love most in life? Music
11. One word to describe you: Alive
12. Your DeviantART name. Rain-Without-a-bow
---- ----- ----- ------ ------ ----- ----- ----- ----
Anyway I'm back from Ottawa, a nice escape from the world I missed so much. It's been a week now that I've been away from the cave, my lovely little second home. I haven't been on air since the Wednesday before brake, and I miss the mic and working the board.
Oh well the much needed vacation didn't help any of my problems but they didn't hurt them any either.
I must say, I need to go to ottawa more often, they have prettier boys, and *gasp* HOTT emo boys, like everywhere!!
Oh well off to deal with other duties.
Friday, March 12, 2010
I've been debating posting a new blog for a while now. The debate mostly stems from the fact I have SO many things I want to say, but I'm not sure how to say them. There are also somethings I want to say but I don't want other people to know. I'm sure just writing it out somewhere else might help, but I don't think I'd get the same feeling from it.
Writing it our in a journal, doesn't make me feel any better about things. It just makes me remember how bad I was feeling as I scribbled the words on the pages. When I type it out and post it in a blog, I feel a bit more relief. Like I've put it out there, away from me, I can read it if I want too, but it's not as big of a problem anymore.
I don't know if this makes any sense but I'm going to keep going.
I'm just so frustrated by so many things lately. Part of it is from all the station work. I know It where I work/ go to school, but I don't understand why so many things are now my responsibility.
This week K8 was sick, and don't get me wrong its in no way her fault I love K8 and she works too hard at the station anyway. As I was saying, she was sick so I ended up doing most of the work for news, I'm not saying I want a cookie or anything, K8 has done a thousand times more work in that feild than I have.
On top of that no one in my department did their jobs, K8 being the only one with a good reason. I don't know why people find it so hard to keep one room clean. The newsroom is probably the hardest job, and if it's done regularly it's like nothing. The thing that bothers me about it is that I ended up having to do all of it myself Friday afternoon.
I'm not trying to complain, I know I'm not the only one in the station that works hard, but this weeks just feels like it was a lot. Every time I turned around while I was doing something someone else would ask me to do something, or just be kind of asshole-ish.
I know next year is going to be worse. Since all the people that do any kind of work will be gone, off to college. I'll likely be the only one who can edit news, I'll be the only one that can record it most likely too. I'll be the only one who cleans the fucking place, and I'll probably get less shows than I did this semester and I only have three.
Plus Chatzel is on my back constantly over asking someone out when I've already told him I'm not going too. I'm slightly too afraid, and I just don't think it's a good idea. Plus I think I might be getting over them.
I've also been neglecting my friends. I haven't been spending much time with them since I've been busy at the station. I've also been quite bitchy towards them when they're around since I'm just too tired and fed up to remind myself that they aren't the reason I'm unhappy.
To all of my friends, even the ones I don't talk to, and the ones that don't read this, I'm sorry.
On the plus side, I'm going to Ottawa on Monday with Katie, hopefully the retail therapy and some time with another friend I've been neglecting will do me some good.
On a completely unrelated note. I wish I could be like four again. Where I could just live in my fairly-tale imaginary world where there were no problems and nothing could hurt me. I miss the days where delusions were easy to get lost in. Now I'm stuck growing up and facing all the problems I put off until I was older. I now have to decide will next year be my last in high school? If so where the fuck am I going to get the money for my post secondary education? Will I go for the two year Radio program at loyalist, or the three year jounalism one. Or do I go to a different school entirely?
Right now I'm leaning towards the last one. If I go to a new school in a new place no one will know me, I won't have friends to distract me from my studying, which I very well won't be able to do any way since I won't have the money.
Oh well, I've been writing this on and off for like two hours so I'm going to post this soon, but I'm going to leave this with one final question I've been asking myself all week.
Why do I want the song 'brick by boring brick' by Paramore to be written about me?
If you don't know it google it, it's wonderful.
Writing it our in a journal, doesn't make me feel any better about things. It just makes me remember how bad I was feeling as I scribbled the words on the pages. When I type it out and post it in a blog, I feel a bit more relief. Like I've put it out there, away from me, I can read it if I want too, but it's not as big of a problem anymore.
I don't know if this makes any sense but I'm going to keep going.
I'm just so frustrated by so many things lately. Part of it is from all the station work. I know It where I work/ go to school, but I don't understand why so many things are now my responsibility.
This week K8 was sick, and don't get me wrong its in no way her fault I love K8 and she works too hard at the station anyway. As I was saying, she was sick so I ended up doing most of the work for news, I'm not saying I want a cookie or anything, K8 has done a thousand times more work in that feild than I have.
On top of that no one in my department did their jobs, K8 being the only one with a good reason. I don't know why people find it so hard to keep one room clean. The newsroom is probably the hardest job, and if it's done regularly it's like nothing. The thing that bothers me about it is that I ended up having to do all of it myself Friday afternoon.
I'm not trying to complain, I know I'm not the only one in the station that works hard, but this weeks just feels like it was a lot. Every time I turned around while I was doing something someone else would ask me to do something, or just be kind of asshole-ish.
I know next year is going to be worse. Since all the people that do any kind of work will be gone, off to college. I'll likely be the only one who can edit news, I'll be the only one that can record it most likely too. I'll be the only one who cleans the fucking place, and I'll probably get less shows than I did this semester and I only have three.
Plus Chatzel is on my back constantly over asking someone out when I've already told him I'm not going too. I'm slightly too afraid, and I just don't think it's a good idea. Plus I think I might be getting over them.
I've also been neglecting my friends. I haven't been spending much time with them since I've been busy at the station. I've also been quite bitchy towards them when they're around since I'm just too tired and fed up to remind myself that they aren't the reason I'm unhappy.
To all of my friends, even the ones I don't talk to, and the ones that don't read this, I'm sorry.
On the plus side, I'm going to Ottawa on Monday with Katie, hopefully the retail therapy and some time with another friend I've been neglecting will do me some good.
On a completely unrelated note. I wish I could be like four again. Where I could just live in my fairly-tale imaginary world where there were no problems and nothing could hurt me. I miss the days where delusions were easy to get lost in. Now I'm stuck growing up and facing all the problems I put off until I was older. I now have to decide will next year be my last in high school? If so where the fuck am I going to get the money for my post secondary education? Will I go for the two year Radio program at loyalist, or the three year jounalism one. Or do I go to a different school entirely?
Right now I'm leaning towards the last one. If I go to a new school in a new place no one will know me, I won't have friends to distract me from my studying, which I very well won't be able to do any way since I won't have the money.
Oh well, I've been writing this on and off for like two hours so I'm going to post this soon, but I'm going to leave this with one final question I've been asking myself all week.
Why do I want the song 'brick by boring brick' by Paramore to be written about me?
If you don't know it google it, it's wonderful.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
I'm not going to lie, I really wish I was able to read minds, I could avoid so many problems, and avoid annoying the people that don't like me. And get over my stupid problem with rejection, I'd know before hand if I were to try if I'd get shot down or not.
It would make everything so much easier. I'm so tired of feeling like no one is really honest with me. I don't understand why people can't just be honest and tell me to my face that they hate me or they like me, or whatever.
It would make me honestly truly happy to know the real honest truth about everything. I'm sure it would make many conversation awkward but at this point I don't care.
Anyway, off to randomness land.
It would make everything so much easier. I'm so tired of feeling like no one is really honest with me. I don't understand why people can't just be honest and tell me to my face that they hate me or they like me, or whatever.
It would make me honestly truly happy to know the real honest truth about everything. I'm sure it would make many conversation awkward but at this point I don't care.
Anyway, off to randomness land.
Friday, February 19, 2010
I'm done.
Oh my god, I can't believe the events of today. Okay that's a lie, I can totally understand it, it's not something I didn't expect.
I dropped my math class, since it's not the course I wanted to take. Honestly there's not much more to it than that. I didn't think that putting the huge amount of effort into that for no reason was a valuable way to spend my time when I can put that into Radio, something I want a career in. The station needs the extra vet to help get everything done.
So one of my friends, and for their sake and mine, they shall remain nameless, she wasn't happy with my choice to drop the class. She says it was just my laziness and that every time something gets too hard I just give up.
In my opinion the class wasn't that hard, I probably could have passed, but it's not what I wanted to take.
In all honesty if I was lazy I wouldn't be in radio, I couldn't be. If I gave up every time things got too hard I wouldn't have stuck with math last year and then taken it again in summer school, I wouldn't have stayed friends with her, and I think most importantly of all I would have killed myself several times.
Sure I can be lazy sometimes, but if we're talking lazy I think she takes the cake. If something isn't within her direct reach without moving she'll make someone else do it, among other things.
Now that I've started with the topic of her, she's given up on more than half of the things she's tried, I just felt the need to mention that.
It seems to me she finds things about me, that are truly major flaws in herself and exagerates them, Right now as we speak we're fighting via twitter, and it just getting me so upset, I don't want to be like this anymore. I knew our friendship wasn't the greatest she was manipulative and centered around her.
I'm pretty much in tears over all of this and I just want to stop enough to enjoy my favorite band be the crazy guys they are on much music.
I dropped my math class, since it's not the course I wanted to take. Honestly there's not much more to it than that. I didn't think that putting the huge amount of effort into that for no reason was a valuable way to spend my time when I can put that into Radio, something I want a career in. The station needs the extra vet to help get everything done.
So one of my friends, and for their sake and mine, they shall remain nameless, she wasn't happy with my choice to drop the class. She says it was just my laziness and that every time something gets too hard I just give up.
In my opinion the class wasn't that hard, I probably could have passed, but it's not what I wanted to take.
In all honesty if I was lazy I wouldn't be in radio, I couldn't be. If I gave up every time things got too hard I wouldn't have stuck with math last year and then taken it again in summer school, I wouldn't have stayed friends with her, and I think most importantly of all I would have killed myself several times.
Sure I can be lazy sometimes, but if we're talking lazy I think she takes the cake. If something isn't within her direct reach without moving she'll make someone else do it, among other things.
Now that I've started with the topic of her, she's given up on more than half of the things she's tried, I just felt the need to mention that.
It seems to me she finds things about me, that are truly major flaws in herself and exagerates them, Right now as we speak we're fighting via twitter, and it just getting me so upset, I don't want to be like this anymore. I knew our friendship wasn't the greatest she was manipulative and centered around her.
I'm pretty much in tears over all of this and I just want to stop enough to enjoy my favorite band be the crazy guys they are on much music.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
If I'm not enough to be with you, then atleast still be my friend part 2
Okay so maybe I lied earlier. As far as days go today was find, kinda had to get in the middle of a mild fight but nothing serious.
But I can't help but feel stuck. Earlier I was looking through the people following me on twitter. When I saw two of the people, right there one after the other, my jaw almost dropped. I went from sitting in my living room to being in some other world, it was so strange. I instantly went from where I knew I was to this white room, there was a window but it was painted shut with this bright red paint, I couldn't even stand. It was so freaky. I've been thinking about it ever since.
And then today I was happily hanging out in the booth with Dilly, Lizzy and Pat, and then three boys, Monty, Dylan and Luke come in and ,I think I already said this but, I felt almost nauseous. Luke put his hand on my shoulder and I LITERALLY almost gaged. When Dylan walked by it sent a chill down my spine, and definitely not in a good way.
So those aren't bad things, but they're not good signs in my opinion.
Anyway...
But I can't help but feel stuck. Earlier I was looking through the people following me on twitter. When I saw two of the people, right there one after the other, my jaw almost dropped. I went from sitting in my living room to being in some other world, it was so strange. I instantly went from where I knew I was to this white room, there was a window but it was painted shut with this bright red paint, I couldn't even stand. It was so freaky. I've been thinking about it ever since.
And then today I was happily hanging out in the booth with Dilly, Lizzy and Pat, and then three boys, Monty, Dylan and Luke come in and ,I think I already said this but, I felt almost nauseous. Luke put his hand on my shoulder and I LITERALLY almost gaged. When Dylan walked by it sent a chill down my spine, and definitely not in a good way.
So those aren't bad things, but they're not good signs in my opinion.
Anyway...
If I'm not enough to be with you, then atleast still be my friend
Today was a pretty good day. I'm not going to lie I was pretty content for once. Although I mildly regret telling the tall one something, but nothing I can do about that now.
Although I wish I could remove two kids from the program, I seriously felt sick when they were around me today. Not fun.
But anyway I think I'm whined out for a little while. So you should all be happy about that. : D
Although I wish I could remove two kids from the program, I seriously felt sick when they were around me today. Not fun.
But anyway I think I'm whined out for a little while. So you should all be happy about that. : D
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I'll always now I'm not enough to even desrve a lie.
So today was another day in the life of me, well only if you're me I guess.
I'm not really sure what I want to say. All that I know is I need to say something, anything. I have this urge in my hands and fingers to just type until it takes me somewhere new. Like getting in a car and driving as fast as possible until I'm in another town completely.
I feel so trapped by all of this, life love, random things that shouldn't bother me. I want to be myself again, not just in day-long phases but fully. I get to the point now sometimes where I just want to curl up into a ball as tight and small as I possibly can, just disappear.
I want to feel like I can actually like someone and have it lead to something other than me hating them. I want to forget about a majority of the things in my past because they keep holding me back.
I want to forget that my godmother's dead and that both of my grandparents are dieing. I don't want to feel like I have to be the emotional support for my entire family just because I've been strong enough to take care of my mom and I most of my life.
I want to go back in time and be a real kid, not be forced to grow up when I was only seven years old. I'm not really trying to complain, I know millions of people grew up with worse lives than me, but I still wish I could change it.
---
I was recently listening to the song 'Watch Me Bleed' by Scary Kids, Scaring Kids. I connect with the lyrics and the emotions of the song in such away it usually causes me to tear slightly.
Most of the lyrics are kinds of in a perspective that I relate to but two lines, 'I gave you everything to die with a smile,' Makes me think that it's be something he would say. He used to constantly try to get me to smile, but now that a new girlfriend is in the picture, he's going to care more about her than himself.
Also the lyric 'All You wanted was to live for a while.' It makes me think of the breakup, that summer I just got really busy, actually having a life, and he felt like I should just live for a while then I could come back to him or something like that, not really what happened though.
But the rest really ties into how I was feeling for the longest time. I can't wait for the day I can just enjoy the song for how beautiful it is and not have it remind me of him.
---
Another topic change!
My mother has agreed to let me get my lip pierced FINALLY! All I have to do is some research so I can get it done from Page's dad hopefully, but my mom won't let me get it done by him until she meets him. I also have to sign some contract thing that I won't drink, smoke, do drugs or have unprotected sex until I'm eighteen, all of these I think I can manage.
Hopefully my mother will let me go see Silverstein in two weeks or so, but I doubt it.
Anyway I best go since I've been writing this on and off for a few hours now. I'll likely post again tomorrow.
I'm not really sure what I want to say. All that I know is I need to say something, anything. I have this urge in my hands and fingers to just type until it takes me somewhere new. Like getting in a car and driving as fast as possible until I'm in another town completely.
I feel so trapped by all of this, life love, random things that shouldn't bother me. I want to be myself again, not just in day-long phases but fully. I get to the point now sometimes where I just want to curl up into a ball as tight and small as I possibly can, just disappear.
I want to feel like I can actually like someone and have it lead to something other than me hating them. I want to forget about a majority of the things in my past because they keep holding me back.
I want to forget that my godmother's dead and that both of my grandparents are dieing. I don't want to feel like I have to be the emotional support for my entire family just because I've been strong enough to take care of my mom and I most of my life.
I want to go back in time and be a real kid, not be forced to grow up when I was only seven years old. I'm not really trying to complain, I know millions of people grew up with worse lives than me, but I still wish I could change it.
---
I was recently listening to the song 'Watch Me Bleed' by Scary Kids, Scaring Kids. I connect with the lyrics and the emotions of the song in such away it usually causes me to tear slightly.
Most of the lyrics are kinds of in a perspective that I relate to but two lines, 'I gave you everything to die with a smile,' Makes me think that it's be something he would say. He used to constantly try to get me to smile, but now that a new girlfriend is in the picture, he's going to care more about her than himself.
Also the lyric 'All You wanted was to live for a while.' It makes me think of the breakup, that summer I just got really busy, actually having a life, and he felt like I should just live for a while then I could come back to him or something like that, not really what happened though.
But the rest really ties into how I was feeling for the longest time. I can't wait for the day I can just enjoy the song for how beautiful it is and not have it remind me of him.
---
Another topic change!
My mother has agreed to let me get my lip pierced FINALLY! All I have to do is some research so I can get it done from Page's dad hopefully, but my mom won't let me get it done by him until she meets him. I also have to sign some contract thing that I won't drink, smoke, do drugs or have unprotected sex until I'm eighteen, all of these I think I can manage.
Hopefully my mother will let me go see Silverstein in two weeks or so, but I doubt it.
Anyway I best go since I've been writing this on and off for a few hours now. I'll likely post again tomorrow.
The Silence keeps it easy,
Keeps you safe for the moment.
As you’re walking away,
Your footsteps get louder.
All you needed was time,
Now time will destroy us.
It’s almost over and here we are,
We’re stuck inside the salted earth together
You pierce my lungs, my limbs go numb.
As my color fades out,
You watch me bleed,
You watch me bleed.
I gave you everything to die with a smile,
All you wanted was to live for a while.
You took everything but it left you empty,
You can’t replace me, You can’t.
It’s almost over and here we are,
We’re stuck inside this salted earth together,
You’ll pierce my lungs, my limbs go numb.
As my colors fade out,
You watch me bleed,
You watch me bleed.
It will all be over and here we are,
We’ll die inside the salted earth together.
You pierce my lungs, my limbs go numb,
As my color fades out,
You watch me bleed,
You watch me bleed.
You watch me bleed
You watch me bleed...
Watch me bleed.
Monday, February 8, 2010
If I'm not enough to make you smile, then at least be enough to keep me from crying.
UGH! another day, another rant.
So not only am I tired of being told what to do I think the tall one is now going to try and set me up with his friend. Don't get me wrong I like them both, but I'm not sure I like the idea of dating my friends ex, whether she's over him or not.
I also think slowly but surely, I'm falling in like with one of my radio friends. He's such a nice person and I rarely feel uncomfortable around him, actually I don't feel uncomfortable around him at all. We talk like we've known each other longer than a year, but we still don't know much about each other.
On a side note, the only one of my exes that I still talk to on occasion has another girlfriend. Thanks to this once again he won't talk to me. Thanks jerk-face. I mean it totally helped the getting over him process like a million notches, which is good because the faster I'm totally done with him, the more my ridiculous fear of commitment fades, of course my fear of rejection increases, but you win some you lose some I guess.
I guess thinking about it now, knowing that he's not there if I do want him back, so it forces me to a place that I haven't been in quite sometime. I don't have that person to run and hide with if I do get rejected, and I don't have the only guy friend I trust more than anyone, because he loses himself in whatever girl he's with. They become all he cares about, and he forgets the people that really care about him.
I wonder what will come of the months to come, hopefully something good, and hopefully a good relationship. Even though I'm too afraid of rejection to try for anything, but at least my commitment problems are easing, at least for now.
On a side note, I found my purple hair dye, and got bored, so tomorrow morning will be fun with all the dye on my face that I'll have to clean off. Me and dye brushes don't always get along.
Oh well, tomorrow is a new day and a new set of problems. I guess it's just the life I have to get used to.
So not only am I tired of being told what to do I think the tall one is now going to try and set me up with his friend. Don't get me wrong I like them both, but I'm not sure I like the idea of dating my friends ex, whether she's over him or not.
I also think slowly but surely, I'm falling in like with one of my radio friends. He's such a nice person and I rarely feel uncomfortable around him, actually I don't feel uncomfortable around him at all. We talk like we've known each other longer than a year, but we still don't know much about each other.
On a side note, the only one of my exes that I still talk to on occasion has another girlfriend. Thanks to this once again he won't talk to me. Thanks jerk-face. I mean it totally helped the getting over him process like a million notches, which is good because the faster I'm totally done with him, the more my ridiculous fear of commitment fades, of course my fear of rejection increases, but you win some you lose some I guess.
I guess thinking about it now, knowing that he's not there if I do want him back, so it forces me to a place that I haven't been in quite sometime. I don't have that person to run and hide with if I do get rejected, and I don't have the only guy friend I trust more than anyone, because he loses himself in whatever girl he's with. They become all he cares about, and he forgets the people that really care about him.
I wonder what will come of the months to come, hopefully something good, and hopefully a good relationship. Even though I'm too afraid of rejection to try for anything, but at least my commitment problems are easing, at least for now.
On a side note, I found my purple hair dye, and got bored, so tomorrow morning will be fun with all the dye on my face that I'll have to clean off. Me and dye brushes don't always get along.
Oh well, tomorrow is a new day and a new set of problems. I guess it's just the life I have to get used to.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I'll always know I'm not enough to even make you think
I had a very fun time at Katie's house this weekend in celebration of her birthday. We probably shouldn't have watched so many scary movies with Rowan in the room. We watched The Invisible, The Haunting Of Molly Hartley and the first three installments in the Saw series.
We also made cupcakes and played some rockband. We've learn we will never be a Pixies cover band, especially with Katie on drums.
I'm still nearly heart-broken over the realization of the number of friends I've lost since high-school even in comparison to the great ones I've made.
And I'm still realizing that even if I do get another date, it's going to last long. I'm currently so much of a commitment-o-phobe I can't even commit to plans more than two weeks away. I'd really like that to change because quite honestly I'm so tired of seeing people all coupley and knowing I'm not apart of something like that, and if I do become apart of a couple it won't last long.
I always find away to ruin it. With clingy guys I push them away, well with any guy I pretty much end up pushing them away but with the clingy ones it's worse, because the more they try the harder I push to get them away from me. By the time I realized what I'm doing it's too late to apologize because they're asking if I want to breakup.
I'm of course too guilt-ridden to say that I don't so I end up breaking up with them and hating them within days, in some cases I hated them before we even reached the split.
The current frustration is that I'm not sure, but I think that I like someone. of course with me I'm always second guessing myself.
Plus I'm pissed off because of two kids telling me how to live my life. One insists that I should sleep with my ex, and another one tells me I should date one of the other radio kids... I think they should get their own lives and live them instead of trying to control me.
On another note, I'm pretty sure someone's going to get punched next week. It won't be me.
We also made cupcakes and played some rockband. We've learn we will never be a Pixies cover band, especially with Katie on drums.
I'm still nearly heart-broken over the realization of the number of friends I've lost since high-school even in comparison to the great ones I've made.
And I'm still realizing that even if I do get another date, it's going to last long. I'm currently so much of a commitment-o-phobe I can't even commit to plans more than two weeks away. I'd really like that to change because quite honestly I'm so tired of seeing people all coupley and knowing I'm not apart of something like that, and if I do become apart of a couple it won't last long.
I always find away to ruin it. With clingy guys I push them away, well with any guy I pretty much end up pushing them away but with the clingy ones it's worse, because the more they try the harder I push to get them away from me. By the time I realized what I'm doing it's too late to apologize because they're asking if I want to breakup.
I'm of course too guilt-ridden to say that I don't so I end up breaking up with them and hating them within days, in some cases I hated them before we even reached the split.
The current frustration is that I'm not sure, but I think that I like someone. of course with me I'm always second guessing myself.
Plus I'm pissed off because of two kids telling me how to live my life. One insists that I should sleep with my ex, and another one tells me I should date one of the other radio kids... I think they should get their own lives and live them instead of trying to control me.
On another note, I'm pretty sure someone's going to get punched next week. It won't be me.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I'm a terrible girlfriend and a bitch.
I'm home. I love being here, with all the people, well most of them. The music that constantly fills the air and the support from the people who actually seem to care about me. No I'm not talking about the place where I live, I hate it there a lot of the time. I'm of course talking about my lovely little station 91.9 The Cave.
I hate how I can't relax. I lay in bed for hours at night trying to unwind and sleep. Let the tension in my shoulders ease, but I can't. When I'm out of the station I'm so freaking stressed. When I'm there I forced to fix everyone else's problems and clean up after them like they're fucking two years old. I can't stand it. I'm not there to clean up and do custodial work, I'm there just like them to run a radio station and learn as much about that as I possibly can about that.
I clean up CD's every time I turn around, throw out the bags of half-eaten muffins and clean the cup and can of half finished beverages that are left laying around the station. It's not my job so quit making me do it.
Thank goodness for a few people around the station. I'm quite fond of Dillybar, he's one of the few people I can feel like I can actually talk to without 'a' being judged or 'b' having to worry about the things I said getting around.
It's not like I like him like him, mostly because I know I'm a terrible girlfriend, and partially because he's one of the few people there that keep me sane, and I've never had a problem with him leaving shit around.
Then there's Keight. She's so awesome, she works even harder then I do. She's freaking badass.
But now I'm stuck on the girlfriend topic, since Dilly and I were talking earlier, mostly about our past and stuff, and I think he's such a sweetheart but I'd feel so bad if I ever wanted to go out with him and vice versa.
I'm sure he'd want someone who was into the relationship situation, but with a non-clingy girl that wouldn't cheat on him. I mean I'm not a cheater, and I'm not clingy but I don't make for a good relationship at least in my opinion.
I mean, my longest relationship was like two months, and I was miserable more than half the time since he was too clingy, I've made it quite clear for a good six years now, on weekends and days I don't have school, I'm rarely up before noon. So he calls me at nine AM because he's bored. NO, I'm not the cure for your boredom.
I have all these warped opinions on things, like guys shouldn't spend their money on me, they have better things to spend (or waste) it one than me. At least then I don't feel like I used them when I inevitably break up with them because I'm too paranoid to function.
I think that I should legally not be allowed to like people, or date, or fall in love, and of course people not being able to do the same to me. It's not fair to other the other people that would get involved.
On an almost oxymoronic side note, I need a life bad, even my teacher has more of one than me, dude even got a date last week, I need to get out more...
But of course I'm still bitter and cynical over decisions I've made, or course listening to semi-angry 'I hate you' music.
Stab my back,
It’s better when I bleed for you.
Walk on me,
There never was enough to do.
And every time he held you close,
Yeah, were you thinking of me?
When I needed you the most,
Well I hope that you’re happy.
I hate how I can't relax. I lay in bed for hours at night trying to unwind and sleep. Let the tension in my shoulders ease, but I can't. When I'm out of the station I'm so freaking stressed. When I'm there I forced to fix everyone else's problems and clean up after them like they're fucking two years old. I can't stand it. I'm not there to clean up and do custodial work, I'm there just like them to run a radio station and learn as much about that as I possibly can about that.
I clean up CD's every time I turn around, throw out the bags of half-eaten muffins and clean the cup and can of half finished beverages that are left laying around the station. It's not my job so quit making me do it.
Thank goodness for a few people around the station. I'm quite fond of Dillybar, he's one of the few people I can feel like I can actually talk to without 'a' being judged or 'b' having to worry about the things I said getting around.
It's not like I like him like him, mostly because I know I'm a terrible girlfriend, and partially because he's one of the few people there that keep me sane, and I've never had a problem with him leaving shit around.
Then there's Keight. She's so awesome, she works even harder then I do. She's freaking badass.
But now I'm stuck on the girlfriend topic, since Dilly and I were talking earlier, mostly about our past and stuff, and I think he's such a sweetheart but I'd feel so bad if I ever wanted to go out with him and vice versa.
I'm sure he'd want someone who was into the relationship situation, but with a non-clingy girl that wouldn't cheat on him. I mean I'm not a cheater, and I'm not clingy but I don't make for a good relationship at least in my opinion.
I mean, my longest relationship was like two months, and I was miserable more than half the time since he was too clingy, I've made it quite clear for a good six years now, on weekends and days I don't have school, I'm rarely up before noon. So he calls me at nine AM because he's bored. NO, I'm not the cure for your boredom.
I have all these warped opinions on things, like guys shouldn't spend their money on me, they have better things to spend (or waste) it one than me. At least then I don't feel like I used them when I inevitably break up with them because I'm too paranoid to function.
I think that I should legally not be allowed to like people, or date, or fall in love, and of course people not being able to do the same to me. It's not fair to other the other people that would get involved.
On an almost oxymoronic side note, I need a life bad, even my teacher has more of one than me, dude even got a date last week, I need to get out more...
But of course I'm still bitter and cynical over decisions I've made, or course listening to semi-angry 'I hate you' music.
Stab my back,
It’s better when I bleed for you.
Walk on me,
There never was enough to do.
And every time he held you close,
Yeah, were you thinking of me?
When I needed you the most,
Well I hope that you’re happy.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
ACADIA IS GONE
I hate it so much how people I used to care about, used to be good friends with, shared secrets with either hate me, don't notice me or don't care.
I'm not saying that people hating me and not caring is anything new to me, since it's really not.
I just wish these people would give me enough as to say it to my face. Even if you don't have a reason, as a human being don't I deserve at least that much?
There are SO many people I used to talk to in classes, or would say 'hi' in the halls, but apparently I'm not good enough to them for that kind of personable communication anymore.
I used to talk to so many people, people I used to think actually wanted to talk to me, or cared enough to feign an int rest for the few minutes to took to get me to help them solve their problems.
But I am starting the get answer to a question I've been asking myself since I was probably around ten years old. 'Would anyone really care, or miss me, if I just disappeared?' apparently the amount of people is much lower than I thought. I assumed there would be a few people that would care that clearly don't.
A few people I grew up with, that I've known all of my life (or at least it seems that way), don't seem to care much. One of them is quite nice in the hallway, enough for mild chit chat, but that's just the type of person she is.
I really miss her, we used to be such good friends and now I'm lucky if she says hello to me in the hallway. It really hurts me to see that she's going through such a hard time right now and I had to find out through her blog, she used to actually tell me stuff.
I admit I probably didn't make friendship easy for her in recent years. Most of the time we spoke towards the end of it I was too stressed from every other problem I had to not unload bits on her.
I feel so bad because I'm sure it's my fault we don't talk. The friends we shared said things to her jokingly that I think may have affected her. She got a different group and I still have mine, but I really miss that she's not part of it.
Plus there's this guy I used to be fairly close to, we talked all the time about problems and stuff try and help each other without being too specific, well he doesn't talk to me anymore. His locker is right near the station and I see him every so often, since last year I haven't gotten a hi or a wave, or even some sort of indication he even cares that I exist.
The sad thing is I used to really like him, I never told him, but I'm sure he knew. I'm not sure if he ever liked me but we were still pretty good friends outside of that little detail, people constantly teased us about it, even out grade nine tech teacher thought he had something between us.
I'm not sure whether I wish we had or not, but I wish we still spoke that's for damn sure.
I'm sure there are better to vent my emotions than online in a blog anyone could read, even the people I've mentioned already, but writing it out by hand in a journal would kill a few too many trees for my liking.
There are far too many people I spoke to even last year that I don't talk to now. The only person I was friends with in math class doesn't acknowledge me, everyone but one person from my drama class last year don't talk to me. I lost all the friends I had in my third period french class before that semester, and History I only had Rowan as far as people that would talk to me are concerned.
Ironically I had all afternoon with the girl I mentioned before, and history with the guy.
I think now that I'm in radio it's just made me that much easier to lift out of their memories and their lives.
I'm so tired of all these whiny little emo blog posts, but I'm too stressed out to find another way to cope. The party I went to on Friday was unbelievably tempting. If it weren't for getting my finals done that afternoon, I probably would have ended up being part of a third pair of people drunkenly making out.
At least I'm getting to be able to resist temptations from other ways to cope so if writing lengthy emo blogs helps more than any of the other methods I've been forced into then so be it. I hope any of you who read this realize that for the next while this will likely be me whining and bitching.
But hey I may just make another blog for that all together to keep people from getting annoyed again.
In the house I grew up in
My room in the basement
The hours turning
To years we've spent
Remember Chris in the back yard
Laughing so damn hard
And no one knew why
But the rest is forgotten
Behind me
Sometimes it reminds me
Of when we, we used to
Belong here
Every memory comes on
When I hear that old song
We used to sing
With the words all wrong
I remember the faces
And familiar places
Tonight seemed all wrong
But Acadia is gone
Now we've all moved away and
Somehow became me
But I remember where it began...
I'm not saying that people hating me and not caring is anything new to me, since it's really not.
I just wish these people would give me enough as to say it to my face. Even if you don't have a reason, as a human being don't I deserve at least that much?
There are SO many people I used to talk to in classes, or would say 'hi' in the halls, but apparently I'm not good enough to them for that kind of personable communication anymore.
I used to talk to so many people, people I used to think actually wanted to talk to me, or cared enough to feign an int rest for the few minutes to took to get me to help them solve their problems.
But I am starting the get answer to a question I've been asking myself since I was probably around ten years old. 'Would anyone really care, or miss me, if I just disappeared?' apparently the amount of people is much lower than I thought. I assumed there would be a few people that would care that clearly don't.
A few people I grew up with, that I've known all of my life (or at least it seems that way), don't seem to care much. One of them is quite nice in the hallway, enough for mild chit chat, but that's just the type of person she is.
I really miss her, we used to be such good friends and now I'm lucky if she says hello to me in the hallway. It really hurts me to see that she's going through such a hard time right now and I had to find out through her blog, she used to actually tell me stuff.
I admit I probably didn't make friendship easy for her in recent years. Most of the time we spoke towards the end of it I was too stressed from every other problem I had to not unload bits on her.
I feel so bad because I'm sure it's my fault we don't talk. The friends we shared said things to her jokingly that I think may have affected her. She got a different group and I still have mine, but I really miss that she's not part of it.
Plus there's this guy I used to be fairly close to, we talked all the time about problems and stuff try and help each other without being too specific, well he doesn't talk to me anymore. His locker is right near the station and I see him every so often, since last year I haven't gotten a hi or a wave, or even some sort of indication he even cares that I exist.
The sad thing is I used to really like him, I never told him, but I'm sure he knew. I'm not sure if he ever liked me but we were still pretty good friends outside of that little detail, people constantly teased us about it, even out grade nine tech teacher thought he had something between us.
I'm not sure whether I wish we had or not, but I wish we still spoke that's for damn sure.
I'm sure there are better to vent my emotions than online in a blog anyone could read, even the people I've mentioned already, but writing it out by hand in a journal would kill a few too many trees for my liking.
There are far too many people I spoke to even last year that I don't talk to now. The only person I was friends with in math class doesn't acknowledge me, everyone but one person from my drama class last year don't talk to me. I lost all the friends I had in my third period french class before that semester, and History I only had Rowan as far as people that would talk to me are concerned.
Ironically I had all afternoon with the girl I mentioned before, and history with the guy.
I think now that I'm in radio it's just made me that much easier to lift out of their memories and their lives.
I'm so tired of all these whiny little emo blog posts, but I'm too stressed out to find another way to cope. The party I went to on Friday was unbelievably tempting. If it weren't for getting my finals done that afternoon, I probably would have ended up being part of a third pair of people drunkenly making out.
At least I'm getting to be able to resist temptations from other ways to cope so if writing lengthy emo blogs helps more than any of the other methods I've been forced into then so be it. I hope any of you who read this realize that for the next while this will likely be me whining and bitching.
But hey I may just make another blog for that all together to keep people from getting annoyed again.
In the house I grew up in
My room in the basement
The hours turning
To years we've spent
Remember Chris in the back yard
Laughing so damn hard
And no one knew why
But the rest is forgotten
Behind me
Sometimes it reminds me
Of when we, we used to
Belong here
Every memory comes on
When I hear that old song
We used to sing
With the words all wrong
I remember the faces
And familiar places
Tonight seemed all wrong
But Acadia is gone
Now we've all moved away and
Somehow became me
But I remember where it began...
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